Starting this journey is scary for me on so many levels...
The "what if"s are innumerable...
The negative consequences whether I fail or succeed are hard to swallow.
What if there really isn't anyone who is willing to go on this journey with me?
What if there is but he sees a woman with four kids and two exes and whatever else... and says "She is totally not worth the trouble..."
What if I do find him... and we get married... and I find out that the reason it was so easy for him was that he just isn't a physically affectionate person? That thought is the scariest of all...
Beyond that though...
What if I tell people and they laugh at me? Normally that wouldn't matter... tell me I can't do something and come hell or high water it will be done... I can be a bit stubborn at times. But when we talk about one of my biggest weaknesses... I don't know...
What if, by admitting that this is one of my biggest weaknesses, I am looked at differently by some people? Women aren't supposed to have these issues... and while it is a very emotional issue for me... the issue at hand is still sex...
For men it is a "natural weakness"... for women is it a character flaw.
He is "just being a man" ... She is "just being a slut".
What if I tell people what I am doing and then I fail?
What kind of example am I setting for my daughters if that happens?
Will they say "It's just one more promise Mommy didn't keep..." I hate to admit that there have been quite a few. From promising not to let a particular ex break their hearts again... only to take him back and see him do it all over again a year later... To promising that I would never live with anyone I wasn't married to... and then making that one exception that ended up turning our world upside down for a year...
I don't want this to be just another broken promise.
What I have to remember is this: God is in control. I gave Him control over all of this. He knows what I want and what I need... and I have to believe that He will follow through for me... because He loves me, and because He has a better plan for me...
I just have to remember...
Psalm 56:11
"In GOD I have put my trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Still... besides sharing this blog with a bunch of strangers... (who are we kidding... nobody is reading this) and a few close friends... should I tell anyone else? Should I wear it like a badge and tell everyone I know? Or keep it a secret because it's a taboo subject to bring up?
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