Connected dots

I love the way God knows how to touch us individually. He doesn't just do good things and hope that

Lauren and me on

a zoo visit.

we get that it was for us. He's like the parent who makes a special trip to the store to ensure the bows on a daughter's birthday gift are her favorite color. It's a parent's way of saying "I see you. I know you. I love you."

With God there's so often that little touch, that special something that is Him saying, "I see you. I know you. I love you." He wants me to know He is doing something for me, not just for somebody... but for me specifically. Not just a family, but MY family.

About 12 1/2 years ago, not long after Lauren was diagnosed with Hurler's Syndrome, I met an incredible network of people who are also parents of children with Hurler's and similar diseases. They became my best resource and source of hope on the days where I felt like the whole universe was against us.

Not long after I found them, someone shared a beautiful poem/essay written by Emily Perl Kingsley called, "Welcome to Holland."

Emily drew a beautiful metaphor: If having a baby was like planning a trip to Italy, where I read the guidebooks and learned some of the language and packed everything that I needed for the journey to Italy, then finding out I have a child with special needs is like the plane landing at the airport and having the flight attendants say, "Welcome to Holland."

And it's easy, and even natural, to be angry. Stomp your foot. Say, "I didn't want to go to Holland. I

Lauren and Ella, St Patrick's Day 2019

wanted to go to Italy. I'm ready for Italy. I never planned for Holland...!" She talks about it being normal to grieve for Italy, but then points out that if the only thing I focused on is the fact that I wasn't in Italy, I will miss out on all the beautiful things to see, right there in Holland... windmills and tulips and Rembrandts... just to name a few.

Emily had explained it so perfectly for me. Your perspective is what matters. Look around. Appreciate what you have. It applied to so many situations, that I have shared it with many, many people throughout the last 12 years.

Early this year, when Lauren's Make A Wish wish-granters came to the house, I was surprised when she told them what her wish was. It wasn't anything that I had heard her say before. And I didn't immediately make any kind of connection. Only later, as I was sitting on my couch, contemplating things on my own, did I realize that the daughter who brought me to the proverbial Holland, was now literally taking me to Italy.

It's hard for me to share that without tearing up.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't believe that God made Lauren choose Italy for me at all. But, as a

Norweigan Epic - Our Cruise Ship

good friend once said, "God plays chess backwards." He knew that this is where we were going long before Lauren was even born. And, that Emily's essay would come to mean a lot to me over the years.

In the making of this miracle, God said, "I've seen you. I've known you. I love you."

And, just so you know, I don't think I'm special. And by that I mean He does this for everybody... you just have to look for it.

He sees you. He knows you. He loves you.

And He delights in showing you, if you're willing to see it.

My friend called it a game of chess, but I see a page full of dots... thousands of seemingly random dots. It might be years before some of the dots are connected, but when they finally are, the picture will take your breath away.

Rome, Italy

Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” Matthew 10:29-31

The Catch

I'm a little behind in posting. I actually started writing this a couple of weeks ago. I'll get caught up soon. I have so much to share...

My sister posted this photo from her wedding, and I love it!

She is so happy and that makes me happy.

And what a memorable moment from the reception. It holds all the joy and excitement one would expect to see in the bouquet toss. It was a fantastic capture!

But, what stood out to me when I first say it was the confidence I see on my face and in my stance. There was no way I was fighting those girls for that bouquet! Haha! But also, I didn't feel the need to.

Traditionally, the woman who makes the catch of the bouquet at a wedding is believed to be the next one to walk down the aisle. The same goes for the man who catches the garter.

I've “caught” the bouquet before. The man I was dating at the time “caught” the garter. (The bride and groom gathered everyone and pretended they were going to throw them, instead turning around and handing them to us.) 

The “promise” of what was to come was exactly everything I thought I was waiting for... so my life would finally be right again.

I was a struggling single mom with four little kids. My dreams then included being married, being happy, and maybe writing a book one day. I don't know what I thought I'd write about... although, to be fair, I had a lot more time to write a book then. (Now I have plenty to write about and no time to do it!)

That relationship falling apart was the first of several traumatic incidents that led me towards my rock bottom. I blamed him for kicking off that spiral for a long time.

I was angry I had to start over after four years.

I didn't want to start over at all.

I wanted to be married so I could be happy again... and previously co-dependent me knew I would be a great wife because I would be whatever he wanted me to be. 

That's the perfect wife, right?  

Except, remember all the times here I've written about how stubborn I am?

Today I know that the stubborn part of my personality is an important part of who I am. I wonder how long I could have been someone's "perfect wife" before it started causing problems.

Honestly, today it amazes me to know how clueless I was back then. I thought so poorly of myself and expected someone else to see something different and convince me I was better. 

Oddly enough, that's exactly what happened... only it was God that saw different and convinced me I was better. 

I wanted someone to complete me.

God showed me I was already complete.

It turned out, there was no "perfect other half" out there waiting for me to complete them either. I found an imperfect whole... and we're working to mesh our lives together. We don't complete each other so much as we compliment each other.  

It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been "perfect." But thank God Mike is a whole person, and not expecting 

me to complete him. Who has time for that!?!

Don't get me wrong, if the flowers had come my way at my sister's wedding, I would have caught them with joy. But I didn't need to catch them that day... 

The hardest part about writing this post is that I desperately want this knowledge I've gained to help someone else. Unfortunately, I've been where they are and I don't know that anything would have helped me see this before I finally "got it." 

Still, I keep typing and retyping this, asking the Holy Spirit for the right words, hoping the right combinations will be a catalyst for someone's breakthrough. 

You are complete. You just have to know it. Stop walking with your head down, hoping people don't notice all your imperfections and start meeting their gaze.... daring them to find out how awesome you are. If they don't see it, move on.

You deserve to be treated well. You deserve to have your voice heard. You deserve to know that you are a whole person right now, this minute, whether you are in a romantic relationship or not.

You have been blessed with every spiritual blessing. You have the power of life and death in your tongue. You were chosen by God before creation. You are amazing. 

The catch is, you have to know it for people to see it... how do learn it if you don't already know? Ask the One who created you... 

Long before (God) laid down earth’s foundations, 

he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, 

to be made whole and holy by his love.

Ephesians 1:4 (Msg)

Designed to create

You won't see many blog posts out there on exhaustion from a first person perspective. Why? Because exhaustion sucks the creativity right out of the person who is dealing with it. It sucks the energy out of us too.

I haven't written because that's where I was. I'm out of it now and can write again. So, what happened? Was I doing more? Was I not taking care of myself? Was I just lazy?

I've learned a lot about myself in the last couple months and it has been an adventure. Looking back, I realized that it wasn't just the amount of stuff I was doing that caused the exhaustion. It was the type of stuff I was doing.

My business was good, but stagnant. The volunteer work I once loved had turned from creating light shows and scenes that set the tone of a church service to scheduling people and being in charge of processes. Lots of stuff like that. Boring.

I hired a business coach to try to figure out why I was burnt out and to get help. Actually, it was our first meeting, before I even hired her, that she showed me that I was designed to create... not manage. I suddenly felt free to explore other ideas for the first time ever... because I was doing what God designed me to do.

I had been going to live music shows and posting about them so other people could find them too... but I had been viewing it as a hobby I probably shouldn't take seriously. When I realized that I had confined myself to the boredom and burnout I had been dealing with, I decided to pursue something new... something that breathed new life into me.

Suddenly, it was a business. In 6 weeks I had over 500 followers (growing every day) and local bands and venues are working with me to get their shows promoted. Three months ago I was still too scared to walk into a music venue or a bar by myself. In fact, it was just about 3 months ago that some friends were late for karaoke and I sat in the car for 20 minutes until I was sure they were inside before even getting out of my car.

Two weekends ago I saw seven bands in seven venues in two nights, but kept to myself... not letting anyone know who I am. This weekend I saw 6 different bands and walked up and introduced myself between sets. People who know me, look at me and are amazed at the differences they see.

I've never lived outside of my comfort zone so consistently or so deliberately before. 

Some may see that and think, but what does that have to do with grace? Isn't this a blog about how God's grace changed your life? 

Yes, yes it is. 

And because I'm no longer living in fear of making the wrong choice or making God angry... I know who I am, who He created me to be. The world can put all the expectations on me they want. It doesn't bother me. I can focus on the thing He created me to do. CREATE. 

I've never felt more like I was made in His image than at this moment in my life.

Grace did that for me.

God created mankind in his own image. 

Gen 1:27

By grace you have been saved through faith.

Ephesian 2:8

I will put my laws into their minds, and write them on their hearts, 

and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.

Hebrews 8:10b

Cool Enough

I once told a guy I was dating

we were only still together
because he hadn't figured out

he was too cool for me yet.

It turns out I was wrong.

I'm way cooler than I thought.

And don't tell me it isn't cool

to say cool anymore.
If it isn't,

I'll just bring it back.

I'm cool enough to do that.

-Me

Only a test

If you want to date me,
and we've talked much at all,
I've probably asked you a lot
about your interests and activities
because I want to get to know you better.
Not too long in I will send you a link
to something I wrote that I'm proud of.
It will take less than 5 minutes to read.
You don't have to love it.
You just have to read it.
This is a test...
It is only a test.

When I wrote just a month ago about a new relationship that I was really hoping would work out, I was already seeing signs it might not. That was one of them that followed soon after. I sent a link to a post that was important to me, and I explained why. He still didn't read it. It wasn't the problem, just a symptom.

I mentioned that I was worried about turning my fear of failure into a self-fulfilling prophesy. It turns out, sometimes people are just complicated and don't know how to communicate well. That's okay. I made a lot of new friends during that couple of months and that is what I'm choosing to focus on.

Right after I told him it wasn't working out, I participated in a motivational conference as a vendor. One of the speakers there said,

"You have to surround yourself with good people. 

Someone can be good, but not good for you.
You will be too much for some people... Those aren't your people."
-Ingrid Beyhl

It turns out, I am too much for some people. For the right one, I won't be. I'd rather wait a little longer for him than keep trying to make things work with someone who isn't all in. Life is too short for that.

Thankfully, in the process this last time, I met a lot of other good people. <3

I told someone else this last week that with the exception of that fact that I can't seem to find a man who isn't a jerk, doesn't need rescued, or isn't some combination of the two... my life is pretty great right now. I'm pretty happy with how things are going. My bills are paid and work is flowing well. I need to find more time to write, but I'm working on that too. Most importantly, I know who I am. I may forget sometimes, but only for a moment. Then I remind myself, dust myself off, and keep going...

I'll be sharing my previous post as a speech at my next Toastmasters' meeting. I'm really looking forward to it! If you aren't familiar with Toastmasters, feel free to ask! It a great thing to be involved with!

I don't have anything life-changing or ultra-encouraging to share this time, but sometimes a post like this gets things out and opens the floodgates for something more meaningful. Sometimes I write things like this that I think nobody will get anything from and I hear later how much it touched someone in an unexpected way. 

One of the ways I remind myself who I am, is by reading this to myself... also, I have this new shirt I love that says FEARLESS on it... definitely working on being that more often. 

Catching up

I've been at a stand-still when it comes to writing lately. There have been a lot of big changes in my life. I just never know where to start, so I decided to try with a quick recap...

Over the last couple of months one relationship ended, or changed tracks really. He is an amazing person, and I hope we'll always be friends. I look forward to seeing where he lets God take him in the future.

I went on two trips out of state, both fantastic for their own reasons. In Nashville, the girls and I fed and ministered to the homeless, both on our own and with the help of a homeless ministry there. It was a wonderful couple of days. Then, in California, I enjoyed time with my brother, saw a couple of plays (one he was in), spent time on the beach, and pushed through a huge fear to have an awe-inspiring experience.

Another relationship began. And, while I'm excited to see what happens with this great guy, I'm constantly vacillating between, taking it one day at a time... and trying not to make the thought, "this guy is absolutely going to break my heart" a self-fulfilling prophesy. I might be worse at this relationship thing than I thought.

It's not unusual for me to have a handful of unfinished blog posts at any one time, but I think I have record number right now. All of those things above are blog worthy. I just haven't known where to start. So I guess this is it. 

Some days I wonder if writing is really my calling or not. I start to think that maybe I'm not supposed to be in ministry in any big way... just the smaller ways that God works through me in daily life. But then I remember how I told Him that if He gave me a story, I wouldn't stop sharing it... and frankly, the story just keeps getting better and better. 

I know better than to think I would be happy not writing. I know better than to think I would be happy letting my story quietly fade away. I know better than to think I'll ever be happy if I'm not making a difference with someone, somewhere... 

Being open and honest about my life in the hopes that it helps other people is scary sometimes. But when I think about it... so is the alternative.

If I'm not doing the things I was created to do, being the person I know I am, then what am I really doing at all? 

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:10

He drew me up from the pit of destruction,

out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock,

making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

and put their trust in the Lord. 

Psalms 40:2-3

Twelve

We're in a calmer spot now, but I wrote this when we weren't. It's so easy to believe that because everything seems okay, everything is okay. We have to talk to our kids, know their friends, see the things they post online and who they act like they are when they don't know we are watching.


I've seen others go through it at many different ages, but for us, this time, it has been twelve.

We all think it's hard to be a kid when we are twelve.
Now I know it's harder to be a parent.

Twelve

Five miles of ocean below you

and you're only ankle deep

You can fight me all you want,

deny the depths that you can't see.

But I remember the murky waters,

the feel of waves crashing over me,

and I refuse to let you sink.

I refuse to let you sink.

You think your choices affect only you

and that none of them could be wrong.

You believe you've got the whole world figured out.

But you don't even know who you are yet,

No, you don't even know who you are.

Too young to grow up so quickly,

don't understand there's no reverse.

You can fight me all you want,

you can tell me that I'm the worst.

But I remember what youth is like,

though you think you're the first.
And I refuse to sit back and observe

I refuse to sit back and observe.

As much as I love you, He loves you more

and this job that He gave me isn't one I'll ignore.

You believe you've got the whole world figured out.

But you don't even know who you are yet.
No, you don't even know who you are yet.

Beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, amazing,

your smile lights up a room.

Created for something unimaginable now,

a flower I can't wait to watch bloom.

Let Him show you who you are...

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, 

so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

~Ephesians 2:10

Random Chance

Last week I clicked a random notification
     to play a random live video
and saw a random comment
     completely by chance.

I've been a Christian since I was young,
     Karen* said. But I can't seem to believe
that He wants me ... please pray for me.

Oh, that's why I'm here.
     to tell a stranger You love her.
Maybe seeing her comment
     wasn't so random after all.

I sent her a message with the photo below.
     Here are some verses to tell you 

what God thinks when He sees you. 

     I spent years believing He would 

let me into Heaven because He had to

     not because he really wanted me, I said. 

When I came to understand grace 

     and what it really meant and how much 

He really cares about me... it changed my life.

Thank you so much, she said, 

     and accepted my friend request.

Back on the original comment,
     fifteen others left encouraging replies.
sixty-five "liked" the comment.
     Some may have been an agreement to pray,
others just votes of solidarity, letting
     her know, others feel the same.
I was blessed by the number who reached out.

Thankful for the opportunity to encourage,
     I smiled. God is fighting for her today!
I hope she sees that. I hope she understands
     how much He really does want her!
   
Then yesterday, quickly scrolling,
     I saw her face in my news feed.
I wonder how she is doing today,
     I said, scrolling back up.

It wasn't from her, it was her niece:
     I am very sorry you all are suffering from her loss. 
I will do my best to keep everyone posted. 
     Please contact me at ...

From other posts on the page,
     and a text to her niece,
I found out that Karen had lost the battle
     with the darkness that was trying to consume her.

I couldn't stop the tears,
     but I also couldn't adequately explain
to those around me why I was
     crying at church for someone I don't know.

I replied to her niece,
     I'm confident she knows 

just how much God loves her now,
     I only wish she had understood it
while she was still on this earth.

If only she had known.

If you are feeling hopeless, believe that He has hope for you. Know that He wants so much more for you than where you are right now.

You are precious to Him and He wants you... not because He wants everyone, but because He is knows and loves you, individually.

While it is almost impossible to be cognizant of every person we come into contact with each day, choosing to walk in the Spirit gives us the opportunity to stay connected to One Who does know.... 

"Hold that door." 

"Hug her."

"Ask him how he is really doing."

"Pay for that stranger's cup of coffee."

"Tell that person who does all they can to irritate you, how much you love them."

"Be compassionate, you don't know what they are going through."

"Say, 'How can I pray for you today?'"

Don't believe in random chance. 

    Don't ignore the thump in your chest,

the tug on your heart, the inability to concentrate 

     on anything except what you know 

you are supposed to be doing or saying.

God is fighting for them, as hard as He fights for you.

I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance.

~Ephesians 1:18

Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. 

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.

~John 13:34-35

Goodnight, Princess

I've said to many people that every time something amazing happened on our vacation, it felt like God tapping me on the shoulder, saying, "Hey, see that? That's for you!"

Our day at Disneyland was no exception. We entered the park and headed for an area of smaller rides that wasn't busy yet. We rode the Jellyfish and another ride before heading the Ferris Wheel. We were having a blast, and our day had barely begun!


The food at our princess lunch in Ariel's Grotto was fantastic. We had wonderful service. The cast was wonderful. There were lots of pictures and hugs and smiles... and yes, a few tears from me. Every time a new princess came in, I teared up. The difference from where we were just four years ago... I just couldn't believe it was happening... meeting the princesses with my daughters.

When we got our photo taken with Ariel, she asked us what we were celebrating. "Family vacation." I told her. She replied, "Oh, spending time with family is my favorite!"

My quick thinking oldest child said to me (out of Ariel's earshot), "If spending time with family is her favorite, then why did she abandon them all for a prince?"

She loves Ariel... we all do! But I have to admit, it made me laugh out loud.

After lunch, we set off to find some more rides.

Every time the five of us stopped to look at the map in confusion, a cast member appeared and asked if we needed any help. Every time!

We managed to ride several rides that day. The squeals of delight from my children on the Indiana Jones ride actually teared me up. We rode Pirates of the Caribbean as well.

The big kids headed for a roller coaster while Lauren and I rode a smaller space shuttle ride and looked for a place to charge my phone.

Also, whoever came up with phone-charging lockers is a genius!

Left: Peter and Todd posing with Mickey and Minnie.
Right: Todd and I last spring, taken in Disney's Club 33. 

My brother, Peter, and our friend Todd (Executive Director of The Walt Disney Birthplace and our favorite Theme Park Expert) met us in the early evening for a couple rides before the parade.

The Carsland Radiator Springs Racers was definitely a family favorite. Who doesn't love Cars? We all could have spent a lot more time there if we had any left!

Then we hit Hyper-Space Mountain. Last time I rode, it was just Space Mountain. The addition of the Star Wars theme made me love it even more. I teared up a little on that ride as well, but I can't tell you if it was hearing how excited the kids were, or the Star Wars awesomeness. It was quite possibly a combination of both.

Ready to relax, we took dinner to the perfect "Light Up The Night" parade seats that Todd had reserved for us.

All of our favorite characters came down the street, lit up in an amazing display. The lights were bright and the choreography was performed perfectly. As each float proceeded past us, one kid or another would excitedly announce who was coming next. Everyone has favorite characters, but the parade was so great that our level of excitement stayed at it's peak the entire time.

When the parade was over, we turned our chairs around for a magnificent view of the castle and the light show that replaced the fireworks due to high winds.

We managed one more ride before hitting the shops. C3PO took us on a crazy adventure in Star Tours that all the kids enjoyed. Isaac later told me he loved the ride but thought it was funny they mixed characters who would have never met each other because they were from different movies. I hadn't even noticed, but these kids catch everything!

We were still in the shops when the park closed, and decided then it was time to go... not that there was really another option. Heading out of the park that night, I trailed just a few steps behind, taking it all in.

As I walked back towards the real world, I felt a little bit like Cinderella at midnight. I was exhausted, but it was a good exhaustion. I felt so blessed and thankful. My heart was full. I didn't have a glass slipper, but I did have some purple blinking mouse ears... and when I had passed by the final cast member at the gate, I heard him say, just to me, "Goodnight, Princess."

I teared up again right there. Thank you God, for yet another reminder. <3

He is so very good to us.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?

~Matthew 6:26

If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!

~Luke 11:13

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Interested in learning more about the restoration of The Walt Disney Birthplace?

Check out the video below and be a part of the project at

www.TheWaltDisneyBirthplace.org 

Don't talk about my child that way...

Last night...

I drop my oldest daughter off at work and head back towards home.

I'm about halfway there when she calls me, upset.

Me: Hello?

Her: I am the worst.

Me: What?

Her: I wore the wrong shoes and they won't let me work without the right ones.

She then launches into a defensive, yet self deprecating monologue about how they've let her before and it isn't fair and how she is dumb and terrible and etc etc.

Me: Just stop.

Her: I need my shoes.

Me: Okay. 

(Momentary silence)

She starts back up again... never once actually asking me to get her shoes for her.

Me: Stop. Repeat after me. Mom, I need my work shoes. Could you go in the house and get them from ______________ and bring them to me at work, please?
Her: I don't know where they are. I looked for them earlier but... 

Me: (Interrupting) Then try this: Mom, I need my work shoes. Could you go in the house find my shoes and bring them to me at work, please?

She complies. Finally.

It takes awhile to find her shoes, but once I do, I send her a text and jump into the car to make the 7 minute trip back to her work. She's waiting outside when I pull up and opens the door, reaching in to grab the shoes.

Her: (With a pained expression on her face) I'm terrible... I...

Me: Stop! Just say thank you.
Her: Thank you! I love you!

Me: I love you too. Bye!

As emotional teenager moments go, this was relatively mild. But driving away I thought how frustrating it was that she was so busy apologizing for her mistake and tearing herself down that she didn't ask for help or say thank you until she was reminded. 

I am human, and I get frustrated sometimes. I also will not pull her out of every situation she gets herself into. But she didn't even ask for help until I told her to because she was so focused on her mistake instead of the fact that I am her mom and I love her.

And all the tearing herself down, saying things about herself that aren't true... doesn't she know who she is to me? She's my child. Regardless of the mistakes she makes, I think she's pretty fantastic. Nobody should feel free to talk about my child that way... not even my child.

I remember when I used to go to God that way for help. 

I'd start off by telling Him how awful and stupid I was. I'd tell Him I was sorry for my mistake or bad choice, but then I'd complain about the consequences and throw in a little about how it wasn't all my fault, just in case it might make Him a little less angry. I was so focused on myself, I couldn't see that He wasn't angry at all.

I think about how it felt to hear my beautiful, smart, talented, highly favored and dearly loved daughter tear herself to bits with her words over a pair of forgotten shoes, and realize how it must have sounded to God when His beautiful, smart, talented, highly favored and dearly loved daughter tore herself to pieces with her words over her own human mistakes in the same way. 

Understanding who we are to anyone, what they think of us, what their expectations of us are, changes the way we interact with them on all levels. It decides whether we approach someone with confidence or trepidation. It determines how we interpret and react to their actions as well. It is so important to communicate to others who they are to us.

God knows that. That's why He provided us with written proof of who we are to Him. It's all in the Bible. 

Below is one of many verses that tells us what God thinks of us...

CLICK HERE to see more verses about who you are in Christ.

For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

~Zephaniah 3:17

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.

~Proverbs 23:7

Who are you?

This has been a year of big changes for me, spiritually speaking. I don't think I could have a more different view of God now than I did this time last year without being something other than a Christian.

The things I've learned about God are rarely taught in most churches these days. And while I dearly love the churches I've gone to over the years, and have great respect for their leaders, I can't help but wonder why the things that changed my entire outlook on life, were not things I learned on a Sunday morning.

I've spent years believing that I had to act right to be acceptable to God, believing that I was spitting in Jesus' face, or trampling His grace under my feet whenever I sinned. I've listened to hundreds of messages that drove me to look inward, at myself, and how I should be doing a better job of being a Christian... how I was obligated to "do better" because of His sacrifice.

And I tried. I tried so hard and failed again and again. As I failed, discouragement would increase until, eventually, I would give up in some way. Usually not too long after, I found myself asking God for forgiveness and trying again. And while I never doubted my salvation, I always knew that when I got to Heaven some day, God would be letting me in begrudgingly, with an eye roll and a shrug.

Even when things looked good to the outside world, I was hurting. Early 2015 saw me in a struggle that made me feel like my best option was to just let God give up on me... because I couldn't get it right. One bad choice spiraled into several and I was so close to not trying anymore.

Oh, how wrong I had it... and I'm so thankful to know.

I remember one of my moments of revelation from this year. Joseph Prince said that either I was righteous because of grace, or I was righteous because I am doing the right things... works... and that I couldn't have it both ways. The moment I tried to pay for His sacrifice with works, I was discounting what He had done on the cross.

It was a light-bulb moment. When I began to comprehend that my sins: past, present and future, had already been forgiven, that feeling of obligation to do the right thing was broken. Suddenly, I wasn't obligated to do anything "right," yet, I wanted to... more than ever.

What a freeing feeling... knowing that God already saw me as righteous... that while I had been declaring myself "a sinner, saved by grace" I should have been calling myself what I really am... "the righteousness of God in Christ."

Over the course of the last year, I have come to learn that when God sees me, He doesn't see a sinner at all. He sees so much more. Below is something I put together that shows just some of the things God says I am... and the good news is... He says you are these things too.

I read it to myself often, saying the words out loud. Not to make them more true, but to help me understand and believe it. Romans 12:12 says that we will be transformed by the renewing of our minds. That's what reading this out loud to myself does.

I can't help but believe it makes Satan shake a bit... because no one is more dangerous to him than someone who knows who she is in Christ.

I want to tell you

I have a half-dozen, half-finished posts in my drafts folder.
I have so many thoughts and revelations I want to share
about what God has done and what He wants for my life, and yours.

I want to tell you what He really thinks of you, who you are in Him.
I want to tell you how He gave us the power to move mountains.
I want to tell you how He brought both healing and forgiveness to all.
I want to tell you how He empowers us in Him to do ALL things.

I could wait a few more days, keep trying to write those things,
hoping that eventually I would "feel it" when I hit "Publish."
Or I could put together a post from my head, instead of my heart,
and hope that He uses it to inspire you anyway.

But instead I have to admit that I don't have the energy.
Life is overwhelming me today. Nothing is going as I planned.
Nothing is happening in my time. Fear is trying to take over.

Yet still I want to tell you all of those things...
because regardless of how I'm feeling today,
regardless of the battles I am fighting this moment,
I KNOW these things are true.

These are not just cliches to be tossed back and forth between hurting people.

These are Truth, the Truth that sets us free.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. 

Romans 8:11

I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, 
and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.

John 14:12

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; 
the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5