Timing Matters

We have been struggling this year. There have been times that we were no more than a few wrong words from divorce. 

We both have a responsibility for that in different ways. But that's for another day, and maybe not even for the blog, ever... we'll have to see. 

Things would get better and worse, better and worse. But the highs and lows both continued to get lower and lower. I finally said, "We're going to counseling." and got us signed up. Our first session was on our 4th anniversary and I wasn't sure by the end of the 45 minutes whether or not we were on the same page with saving it.

But we started reading the book I mentioned in the last post... Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, and by the end of the first week, things started to seem better. Still, I was nervous. But day by day things started to seem better. I could not only see him trying harder, but I could see him seeing me trying. 

Then we got the news about his job. It could have all fallen apart there. In fact, if it had happened in July or August, I'm pretty sure this would be a very different blog post. 

I have said in the past that while I do not believe God gives us negative things, I do believe that he lets us deal with the consequences of our choices... especially when we aren't asking for or looking for him to intervene. 

While I'm not thankful we were in such a negative place at all, I am thankful it got so bad that counseling was necessary. Because that's the point where we each individually said, "Hey God, we know you're there. We know you're for us. We know you've got us if we want your help... we've just kinda been doing our own thing, but we might have F'ed it up. Help!" 

The best news is, he was just waiting for us to open the door and let him in. And while I wish we had done it sooner, I am SO THANKFUL we didn't wait any longer. 

We're going to make it. There are plenty of ups and downs to come, but we're going to make it. And while I will work to be respectful about what I share without explicit permission, I can't keep our journey to myself.  

I made promise to God years ago - that if he would keep opening doors and keep making my story better, I would keep sharing it. 

I'm writing again. I'm sharing, excited to see what happens next... thankful to know that when the timing matters, God's still paying attention.

Debt Mountain Update Months 3 & 4

There's a lot happening that doesn't make sense right now. While I originally thought making the goal of getting out of debt a priority was going to be a great story about what God can do when we trust Him, it turns out, when one of the people resents being part of it, it makes the journey less fun, regardless of how amazing it is. 

Debt numbers do continue to go down... partially through regular payments, partially through jobs and opportunities that I wasn't expecting, partially through my own previous miscalculations (still waiting to find out for sure about that, actually...but it could be a decent chunk that I thought I owed the IRS that I don't.) God has definitely been in this.

For those wondering: As of the 15th of March,
we are at 67.5% of our original amount of debt! 

Our bills are paid and money goes into Mike's savings. He was given a substantial raise at work and they've put him in for a promotion. We have some work to do, but we're getting by. We are on our way to being comfortable for the first time in my life. 

His resentment doesn't sit well with me. Materially he wants for little. What he does seem to want, is justice: For me to pay for my own stupidity, my crimes, aka: my debt. On my own, without his help... meaning paying half the household bills and utilities at the same time. I already buy most of the groceries, and I feel like he's not taking into account non-monetary ways I'm contributing to the household.

Handing over money doesn't make sense to me. He too has been blessed during this journey. And because he wants for nothing materially, he basically wants me to give him several hundred a month for his savings account or to blow on things we don't need instead of putting money towards the debts that will affect our future. 

I know that we love each other very much... I believe we're trying to see eye to eye on things. So when something is so big we can't agree, I always say a simple prayer. 

"Change his heart, Lord, or change mine." By doing this, I'm asking God show us what we are supposed to do. We both know without God our marriage wouldn't survive. I do believe we are individually open to hear what God might be showing us. So I ask God to show one of us what we're doing that needs to change. 

And as I'm writing this, angry and hurt about the situation, obviously thinking about what it is going to take for God to change Mike's heart when simple logic isn't going to do it...  I'm also listening to the Sunday service online. This is what I heard: 

(Sorry about the quality. Streaming to screen-recording is even worse than normal.)

It didn't take much to get the message, even though it required a complete 180 degree turn around for me. Because by asking God to change Mike's heart or change mine, what I'm doing is giving up my own will, knowing that I might not be "right." I was giving God an opening to show me something I wasn't seeing before.

So, what's the message? I'm married to Mike. I'm committed to Mike. I am FOR Mike. If this is what it takes for him to know I am for him, then that's what I have to do. You know why? Because God is FOR us… and while it makes zero sense to do this on paper, I know that God is bigger than paper. 

Apparently it was my heart that needed to change. This debt journey has been about faith from the beginning, but the argument with Mike wasn't about faith. It was about logic and numbers. What he wants to do makes no sense to me, but what I want to do literally hurts his feelings, which means more to me than money.

Even taking what feels like a financial hit like this, God can do more, right? 

I have to fight the urge to be resentful about this or to let it hurt my feelings. I could make the opposite argument, that he should care more about me and our future together than money. But this doesn't really matter if I want my marriage to work. 

Regardless of what he actually does with the money, I'm doing what God told me to do... and I know that God is for me... not just me, US.  

God is for US, and He's not going to let US down. 

If God is for us, who can be against us?

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all

how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Romans 8:31-32

Debt Mountain Update Month 2

Still 17.6% less debt than 2 months ago, but
it doesn't quite feel like a 'win'... 

As you can imagine, this last month was a busy one. I've written several partial posts, but nothing I ended up publishing.

Between Christmas, a graduation, birthdays for 3 of the kids, two mid-week holidays followed by my entire crew calling in the following week for illness or car trouble... this was a rough month for me financially. I stuck to a pretty tight budget for all the kids and family this year, but it was still rough. No big numbers or exclamation points today... just the knowledge that this month was a failure in terms of numbers.

Month 1: Debts owed down 19.64%
Month 2: Debts owed up 2.06%
(% of original amount of debt)

I have been able to take a close look at this last month and learn more about our spending and how we can do this better. Or at least how I would like to do this better.

Part of the problem is that I said I wanted to do this without making Mike suffer the consequences for my debt, but it turns out that if we aren't both working towards the same goal, we aren't going to be able to make any progress.

Marriage is hard and we don't see eye to eye on finances. While it was my bad choices that put me in debt, I'm now the one who cringes every time we spend a dollar that I know we don't need to spend.
Still, his lack mindset and my abundance mindset seem to clash constantly. In in the interest of not fighting, I often pay for things I shouldn't and don't ask him to pay me back for things I should.

I've also spent way too much time taking care of the household instead of my businesses. It makes him happy to come home to a clean house and to have meals cooked a few nights a week and to be able to play his trumpet with whatever band calls him on any given night. I like making him happy, but I've got to work on the businesses more.

I knew this would be a process when I started it. I knew there would be ups and downs. If I get my taxes done this week, I'll make great progress again next month. I'm having a hard time seeing how it is all going to be possible... but that has happened before and God has come through. 

Because God knew I would need a little encouragement, I found a couple things when going through paperwork last weekend. One was a copy of the $46,000 surgery bill from the time Lauren's insurance lapsed and it took 5 months to restore. It's a long story but it was a huge miracle when they decided to make it retroactive to the date it was cancelled, covering her surgery in full.

Second was a letter from the Illinois IRS telling me that they needed more proof of my income before they would send me my 2016 refund of approximately $700. I never followed through on that when I filed and when I called this week they told me that it was still good. I just have to send in some papers.

I'm looking forward to a better report next month... and hopefully several more blog posts between now and then. There is a lot going on around here besides the quest to be debt free and I look forward to sharing that with you too. 

We're getting married...

Depending on how long you've been reading this blog, and whether or not you follow me on social

media, you may or may not know that I'm about to get married after 16 years of being single.

God has blessed Mike and I in so many ways and we look forward to spending the rest of our lives growing closer to each other and God.

I have so much more to say about that, but I just wanted to let people know first.

I'll write more later... because there is so much more. God is so good... and always does things bigger and better than I can imagine they will be... Yes, I'm getting married to an amazing man. And, it's going to happen in Rome, Italy... on October 9, 2019.

I don't know how long our wedding website will exist. So here is the link, but it may not be there if you are looking back a couple of years from now. So I'm sharing the information below as well.

Our Wedding Website

My favorite part of this site is that I get to tell everyone some of the story us...

How We Met

TLDR: We Both Swiped Right (But really, read the rest!)

Mike loves to see me squirm when people ask how we met... 

so I'll just put it out there up front. lol. 

We met online. 

We talked for a week or so before he asked if I wanted to meet up. We met at Chick-Fil-A and chatted for about 45 minutes and then went our separate ways. 

Our first official date was 6 days later - at Kenny's Westside Pub to see the Central Illinois Jazz Train, followed by Open Mic night at Office on Main in Morton (to watch, not participate.) As we were driving that night, I told him a story that involved having faith for healing and seeing it happen right away. As I was saying it I thought, "Oh man, he's probably going to drop me off at home and tell people about the crazy girl he took out." Instead, he responded with a similar story of his own. That was a pretty big sign for me. 

The dates after that all sort of run together because if one of us wasn't out of town, we were together. There was a lot of live music and a lot of laughter every time.

The Proposal

He proposed twice...

Mike doesn't really consider the first one a proposal, but I do. It was spontaneous and heartfelt. We were sitting in his car in the parking lot of his apartment building a couple of days before Christmas, and he turned to me and said, "So, how does a guy find out what kind of ring a woman wants without ruining the surprise?" 

I told him I'd send him an email with a link and he could open it next week or he could open it in six months... completely up to him. On Christmas Eve he downloaded the Zillow app and started looking for houses. 

That's when I knew he was serious. 

Fast forward to this summer... He saved up the money for a ring, but used it on the down payment for a house. Then he saved up the money for a ring again and this time used it to pay for his ticket to join us on Lauren's trip in October. He told me hadn't done a formal proposal yet because he didn't have the ring yet. I told him the ring didn't matter and the how didn't matter... it was the why that was important. 

Then, for my birthday, he went out and got a "for now" ring, wrote Marry Me on my birthday cake in Icing, and stuck the ring in the frosting flower. 

I'm so used to being the one taking video at birthday parties that it didn't even click what was happening until someone said something about the cake. Once I saw it, he got down on one knee and proposed in his kitchen, with our kids and a few friends there. 

I said yes, by the way.

God Winks

Before we even knew each other...

When he friended me on FB between the time we met and our first date, I noticed we had no mutual friends. 

Then he messaged me, "How do you know Pete Smith?" 

"That's my dad. How do YOU know Pete Smith?" 

"We worked together in the produce department at Hy-Vee in Macomb 15 years ago. He taught me how to juggle oranges." 

"Yep. That's my dad!" (He taught me too!) 

But think about the chances of that... He worked with my dad NEARLY TWO HOURS AWAY from where we live... FIFTEEN YEARS before we met. 

~~~~~~~ 

For those of you who don't know, Mike is an insurance adjuster for a large insurance company. They employ 900+ people in the area. A few months in we realized that he had handled a claim of mine, four months before we met. He had no idea in February of 2018 that he was talking to his future wife, who he wouldn't meet until June... and I certainly didn't! But God knew. <3

The Catch

I'm a little behind in posting. I actually started writing this a couple of weeks ago. I'll get caught up soon. I have so much to share...

My sister posted this photo from her wedding, and I love it!

She is so happy and that makes me happy.

And what a memorable moment from the reception. It holds all the joy and excitement one would expect to see in the bouquet toss. It was a fantastic capture!

But, what stood out to me when I first say it was the confidence I see on my face and in my stance. There was no way I was fighting those girls for that bouquet! Haha! But also, I didn't feel the need to.

Traditionally, the woman who makes the catch of the bouquet at a wedding is believed to be the next one to walk down the aisle. The same goes for the man who catches the garter.

I've “caught” the bouquet before. The man I was dating at the time “caught” the garter. (The bride and groom gathered everyone and pretended they were going to throw them, instead turning around and handing them to us.) 

The “promise” of what was to come was exactly everything I thought I was waiting for... so my life would finally be right again.

I was a struggling single mom with four little kids. My dreams then included being married, being happy, and maybe writing a book one day. I don't know what I thought I'd write about... although, to be fair, I had a lot more time to write a book then. (Now I have plenty to write about and no time to do it!)

That relationship falling apart was the first of several traumatic incidents that led me towards my rock bottom. I blamed him for kicking off that spiral for a long time.

I was angry I had to start over after four years.

I didn't want to start over at all.

I wanted to be married so I could be happy again... and previously co-dependent me knew I would be a great wife because I would be whatever he wanted me to be. 

That's the perfect wife, right?  

Except, remember all the times here I've written about how stubborn I am?

Today I know that the stubborn part of my personality is an important part of who I am. I wonder how long I could have been someone's "perfect wife" before it started causing problems.

Honestly, today it amazes me to know how clueless I was back then. I thought so poorly of myself and expected someone else to see something different and convince me I was better. 

Oddly enough, that's exactly what happened... only it was God that saw different and convinced me I was better. 

I wanted someone to complete me.

God showed me I was already complete.

It turned out, there was no "perfect other half" out there waiting for me to complete them either. I found an imperfect whole... and we're working to mesh our lives together. We don't complete each other so much as we compliment each other.  

It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been "perfect." But thank God Mike is a whole person, and not expecting 

me to complete him. Who has time for that!?!

Don't get me wrong, if the flowers had come my way at my sister's wedding, I would have caught them with joy. But I didn't need to catch them that day... 

The hardest part about writing this post is that I desperately want this knowledge I've gained to help someone else. Unfortunately, I've been where they are and I don't know that anything would have helped me see this before I finally "got it." 

Still, I keep typing and retyping this, asking the Holy Spirit for the right words, hoping the right combinations will be a catalyst for someone's breakthrough. 

You are complete. You just have to know it. Stop walking with your head down, hoping people don't notice all your imperfections and start meeting their gaze.... daring them to find out how awesome you are. If they don't see it, move on.

You deserve to be treated well. You deserve to have your voice heard. You deserve to know that you are a whole person right now, this minute, whether you are in a romantic relationship or not.

You have been blessed with every spiritual blessing. You have the power of life and death in your tongue. You were chosen by God before creation. You are amazing. 

The catch is, you have to know it for people to see it... how do learn it if you don't already know? Ask the One who created you... 

Long before (God) laid down earth’s foundations, 

he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, 

to be made whole and holy by his love.

Ephesians 1:4 (Msg)