Growing

It used to be that whenever
I felt sadness or rejection
I would attempt to find someone
to pay attention to me
and get them to tell me
they thought I was
pretty, or special, or something else.

Some told me in words,
others in actions that I interpreted myself.

Every time it was destructive
to me and my emotional well-being
as well as my relationship with Jesus, but I was in denial.

Last night a man I know
inadvertently made me feel
inferior, less than, and unworthy.

Caught up in his own head,
listening to those sneaky whispers from the dark,
He started talking/posting about
the kind of woman
he didn't want to marry.
He made it clear that some sins
while forgiven by God,
made some women ineligible.

I logged off the computer
knowing the Truth,
but feeling deflated at the same time.
Not that I wanted to marry him,
but there are plenty of woman like me
who God has made new.

If he wrote these women off,
He was telling me I wasn't good enough either.

Within minutes I had a text on my phone from an ex.
I won't tell you what it said, but it was suggestive in nature.
The enemy knows my weaknesses, and he works fast.

The first text I treated as a joke.
The second I answered with a smart comment.
The third I answered with the truth:

I told you 'if you ever want a friend, 
you know where to find me,' 
but it doesn't sound like 
you just want a friend at the moment.
... Have a good night.

Saying no to flirtation with temptation
has been difficult for me, especially
when my feelings have been hurt.
It is so easy to look to a man
and let him boost my self esteem.

But I've come to learn that
while I was wandering around
looking for one to tell me my worth
The One who created me was watching
     and calling out to me...
          "I KNOW your value, just ask Me."

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart
and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5 (NLT)

“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible,
I would not forget you!See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
Always in my mind is a picture of Jerusalem’s walls in ruins.
Isaiah 49:15-16 (ESV)

But now, God’s Message,
the God who made you in the first place, Jacob,
the One who got you started, Israel:
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you.
(Isaiah 43:1-4 MSG)