Not about the boy

It would be easy to assume
that my last post about anger
had something to do with the boy,
the relationship that didn't work out.
Truth is, I'm kinda over him.

I held on longer than I should,
used him to rebel in my own anger.
But the reality is, I don't like
the way he was treating me.
Imagine that. Somehow this girl got some standards.

Maybe it isn't just anger
that is my actual problem.
As I've talked to a few friends
one word keeps coming up,
maybe the right word here might be grief.

I've been a single mom for 11 years.
I was twenty-three years old,
pregnant with our third child,
twelve weeks from graduating college.
Suddenly all alone.

If I had known then that there would be
nobody there for the next 11 years,
to experience the good, the bad,
the exciting, the mundane with me,
I don't know that I would have survived.

I did survive it of course,
not without a ton of mis-steps
and mistakes and regrets.
But I did survive.

Now, eleven years later, there are some things
that I really wanted and hoped for
that are seeming less and less likely...
And I look at where I am and wonder
how Someone who loves me would let me go through all of this.

While I have forgiven them for what happened,
it is hard to understand why God would honor a relationship
that tore my marriage apart, letting them find happiness
and marriage in spite of the pain they caused,
while I continue to struggle on my own.

I'm used to people telling me they love me
and then disappointing me and making me cry.
I need to believe that God really does care about my pain.
In order to trust Him, I have to believe He is different than them.
So why does it all too often feel the same?

While texting about something totally different tonight
a friend replied, "GOD knows exactly what He's doing!"
Yes, that's what He keeps telling me too, but it doesn't make
the passing of time, the death of hopes and dreams, broken hearts,
or the whispers about what the future might never hold, hurt any less.

So I'll continue to grieve all that I feel is lost,
asking for restoration of the years the locusts have eaten,
knowing God is close to the broken hearted,
hoping He doesn't make me wander in the desert for another 29 years.

And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten 

Joel 2:25a 

The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
    He rescues them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

 

Psalm 34: 17-18