Willful resignation

Someone commented on a previous post
telling me they had been where I am
"I have been through that place - 
a place of depression and despair 
and frustration and willful resignation."

One word struck me in that comment... willful.
I knew what it meant, of course,
but I looked it up anyway.
I needed to see, in black and white,
who the cause of all of this stress has been...

Willful resignation... was I deliberately giving up 

because I wasn't getting what I wanted or wasn't 

seeing what I thought I should be seeing?

I wrote about my lack of prayer,
neglecting spending time in the Word
my general lack of enthusiasm
for anything 'right' and 'true'
as if those things are supposed to be based on feelings.

I don't know which lie got in first,
but it only takes one to give
the enemy the foothold he needs
to get the rest of them in there too.
I didn't really even try and fight to keep them out.

"I want the most important thing
in my life to be God's will."
How many times have I said that?
How many times have I written that?
But things got difficult, life got harder than usual and I caved.

Just because God isn't visibly doing
what I want Him to do at the moment
doesn't give me the right to toss my hair,
stomp the other direction, arms folded,
like a defiant teenager, shouting, "Fine. I'll do it myself!"

I do know keeping up this attitude
has really only been hurting myself.
There is a word for that... Self-sabotage?
Hmmm, that doesn't sound like me at all.
Just don't ask my friends or family or anyone who knows me.

Being deliberate and intentional
is a good thing when faith is involved...
not so much when we are talking about resistance and defiance.

I'm not saying everything is fixed
I can't say everything is fine now
But I can say that I know it is MY problem and not His.

I'm working on it.
 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:6-8 NLT

 
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10 ESV