Chances

The last few weeks, as I've neglected
to return his texts with the same
intensity at which he sends them,
things have started to cool with D.

Living fourteen hours from someone
you care about, who is all talk and
no action is not something anyone
can make work. Especially not me.

I finally told him I can't do it anymore,
this is not what God wants for my life,
I don't blame him. He has never changed
since I met him... I just saw what I wanted to see.

I was always believing hope and prayer
would be enough to change his life.
And whether it affected my life or not,
that someday I would get to see his transformation.

I still believe it will happen one day. I know God
is bigger than anything, whether it be PTSD or
general jerkiness (they can be hard to separate).  I doubt
I'll be close enough to see it. I hope I hear about it though.


I have a friend who is back with the guy
that God doesn't have planned for her life.
She knows it. We've talked about it.
But much like me, she can't let go.

Someone else recently said to me
it's funny how I have such good advice
for other people's relationships,
but I can't see it in my own.

How can I keep telling people to let go of
their destructive relationships, to let go of
the people in their lives who cause pain,
who lie, cheat, and steal from them...
If I'm unwilling to do it myself?

As much as I would argue that I hate misery,
I give God control over things knowing that
He can do a better job, and then take them back
and try to make them work myself... and make myself miserable.

Did you just say to yourself,
"Well ____ doesn't steal from me,
so she's not talking about them."
Theft of time is worse than any earthly possession.

Time you could have spent with your family.
Time you could have spent with your real friends.
Time you could have spent with the 'right' one.
Time you could have spent at the feet of Jesus.

I'm still so far from perfect and have a long way to go, but I'm determined to use what God gives me in the ways He wants me to use it... even if I get turned around from time to time in the process. I am so thankful that He is the God of second chances and that He's apparently given me an unlimited supply, as long as I keep asking for them and trying to do it right.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 

~2 Peter 3:9

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
~Phil 1:6

Second thoughts

For the last several months I've continued to pray for D
to be healed of his PTSD by praying through a model prayer
designed by a pastor who specializes in such a thing.
It was written to be prayed WITH him, but he just isn't ready.

Today I began to wonder why God can't just do that for me.
Have I not asked? Not asked in the right way? Not enough times?
Am I really believing in God's healing ability for someone else
but deciding I must need some other kind of intervention
in the form of the antidepressants I talked about yesterday?

Earlier today I saw myself on my knees, in my room
praying for this, begging God to not let me have to go back on these pills.
Yet tonight, all alone at home, I'm writing instead, and watching TV.

And I'm frustrated that D won't let God help him?
I might understand a little better than even I realized.


Still not sure what God wants me to do.
Heard a radio spot this morning that I thought might have been for me.
But then, why am I sitting here typing, well past midnight?

Fear? Doubt? Likely a lot of both.

Is it really easier to pop a pill that makes me very sick,
in the hopes that eventually I will feel better
than it is to ask God to heal me? Maybe.
Easier than trusting Him to do it? Definitely.

Controlled by feelings

As I steadied myself with a hand on the hood of my van before this morning's meeting, I gave a quick look around to see if anyone was nearby. Thankfully, nobody was. Had they been, it wouldn't have mattered anyway. There was no way I wasn't losing my breakfast that very moment.

I had forgotten about the side effects.

Over the last month or two, I have been struggling more and more to deal with life. My anger sometimes pops up quickly. I've sworn at my children. I've screamed at them. Not often, but I know it shouldn't happen at all. I nap almost every day. I cry myself to sleep at night for one reason or another a couple of times a week. I often pull myself together for meetings or friends or clients, but afterwards I am exhausted because pulling off 'semi-normal' is difficult at times.

It was time to get help again.

I stopped taking my anti-depressants over a year ago. For the most part, looking back, I don't really see any evidence that stopping was a bad idea. I've continued to live a healthier life, exercising, eating better, spending more time with Jesus than I did before, working, volunteering, writing... but lately all of those things are a struggle too.

So, what has changed?

I wish I could say for sure. For awhile now I have been telling myself that if I could just make myself make better choices, I could be in a better place mentally and emotionally. This week I realized that I have to be in a better place mentally and emotionally in order to make better choices.

While I don't think it is the cause of my current crisis, my attempt to start dating again this year has lead to a lot of these ups and downs. To be honest, I don't want to stop dating. D and I still hang out from time to time, but he moves to Colorado in 3 weeks. Our relationship is not healthy, even just as a friendship. One day he wishes I could move with him and the next he doesn't want to see me at all. He is a good man, a very good man, but PTSD is wreaking havoc on his life and I've been letting his actions reinforce all the lies I've ever been told about myself.

I remember telling a close friend who said he no longer believed in God because he couldn't "Feel Him" anymore, that feelings have nothing to do with it. You just have to believe and you will see. I've been letting myself be controlled by my feelings again for too long. And even when I've been able to see it, I've been unable, or unwilling to stop it.

I started taking the pills today. I don't remember the side effects being this bad last time, but I see my doctor again next week. Hopefully the nausea will be gone by then. I'm going to try to take them at night so that all happens while I'm asleep instead... we'll see.

I appreciate your continued prayers. I still believe God is and will continue to use me in big ways, unfortunately, I have to be human for Him to do that.

Not About Me

I have a prayer, Lord. A big one.
It is something only You can do.
I have personally felt how quickly
You are able to turn a life around.
Someone else needs it too.
You know how I feel already.
You know what I want.
But that doesn't mean that
any of this is about me.

Let me be Your hands and feet for him.
Let him see a peace in me
that can only come from You,
while you continue the healing
You've already begun.

Help me to remember
that You are my first love.
If this relationship continues
it is only to bring glory to you.
I can’t do that if I am fearing
every move I make while
dissecting his every breath.
Keep me from messing it all up...
You know I can if left to my own devices.

This is not about me. This is not about me. This is not about me.

Let him see You more and more
wherever he looks.
It doesn’t even have to be me
who lights the path,
just let it be someone.
Let it be soon.

To see the pain break off of him
is a bigger miracle than I can imagine
It seems impossible to have that happen
when what binds him is so big
and the time we have so short.
But what is time to You. Lord?
To watch it disappear,
see him become unbound,
see him become the man you already see… that’s my prayer.

Whether he stays or goes.
Whether he cares or does not.
Whether he someday loves or does not.

Those things don't matter.
I want to pray for them,
but selfish prayers cause anxiety I don't need.

He needs You in a deeper way
than he has ever experienced before.
He needs Your healing touch.
Help him to fall in love.
Help him to fall in love with You.