Even if

The mouse hovered over the "Post" button for quite awhile, although I had already edited it several times. I battled with myself... 

I don't post this kind of drama anymore.
  - It's not drama. People will understand you really need them.
I know what I'm supposed to do.
  - Ask for help, even though you hate asking for help.
I tell other people what to do when they are slipping into depression like this. Why can't I just do it?
  - I don't know, but what you are doing isn't working.
God, please fix this... 

So much of the time Lauren is a typical 13yr old.

The thought of seeing a neurosurgeon and 

possible spinal surgery is scary. 

I love this kid

Between a scary diagnosis for my daughter and an unexpected break-up, I was crushed. 

It was Saturday morning and I had spent close to 18 hours in bed at that point. Sleeping, crying, begging God to just fix it all, bargaining with Him about Lauren, and sending Mike messages, trying to get him to talk to me, mostly to no avail. I had barely eaten in 3 days. I just wasn't hungry.

I kept telling myself to get up. 

Go take a shower and be a human and leave him alone. 

I sent him one more message that I was going to spend time praying and try to leave him alone. 
I managed once to get up. I walked into the living room and turned around and walked back to my room and got back in bed. 

It is cold out there. My room is warm. 

Tears started again and knew I needed to send that post. I needed prayer and encouragement. I needed support from people who knew I was struggling. 

Friends started commenting on my post. One after another told me they were praying for me. Some told me how much I had encouraged them in the past. Others posted encouraging comments or advice.

One posted a link to a video.
I scrolled past it a few times... then I clicked play. 

As the lyrics hit me, I alternated between sobbing and singing. 

"They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad

I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now..."

That was me. Minus the stage. I started singing it directly to God. 

Then, as I hit the chorus for the second time, I realized something...  

"I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul"

This was the first time I had said anything to God in the last few days besides begging Him to fix everything.

Instead of  Heal Lauren. Help me figure out what happened with Mike. Let the test's results be a mistake. Let the surgery not be needed. Make Mike talk to me.  

I said "But even if You don't, My hope is You alone. It is well with my soul."


And as I said those things out loud, I felt peace. And then, God told me exactly what I had needed to hear all along. And I knew instantly why I didn't hear it before... I hadn't been listening. I was demanding. I wasn't praising Him, thanking Him for all I have. I was throwing a temper tantrum because I wasn't getting what I wanted. He was there. He was listening the whole time. I just had to stop throwing a fit and listen. I couldn't hear His voice over my own.

I got up and took a shower. Still struggling, but determined not to give in and go back to bed. 

I told the kids to get ready we were going to go out to eat and see a movie. They all agreed on the same place to eat and the same movie... which told me God was already fighting for me. I mean, that was a miracle in itself!

We had a really great time. The movie was awesome. We all laughed and enjoyed each other's company. There were no tears the entire day. And, when we got home, instead of going back to bed, I went to work. It turned out to be a pretty good day. 

Before we left for the movie, I had sent Mike another message. While I didn't understand what happened, I realized that I had a few things to apologize for and I hoped he would talk to me before I left for Minnesota in a few days... 

When we met on Sunday, he said my whole tone had changed in that message. He read it, and knew he wanted to see me again.

We talked about a lot of things... baggage we hadn't acknowledged before and mistakes that were made and how we should have done things differently. Best of all, we decided that maybe it isn't over after all. Neither one of us is perfect, but we may still be perfect for each other. I'll keep you posted. ;-)


Tomorrow I am driving Lauren 14 hours round-trip to Minneapolis to talk to her neurosurgeon and figure out what our next steps are. I still believe Lauren could see a miracle. I still believe the surgeon could say she doesn't need surgery. I still believe God can heal her. But even if He doesn't do it when and where and how I want Him to... we are going to be okay. My hope is in Him alone. 

What are you struggling with today?

God's got you too. 

Stop fighting with Him and listen. 

He might be trying to give you 

 the answer you are begging for.

Are you sure you can hear His voice 

over your own?

We appreciate your prayers for Lauren.

You can keep up with her at 

Facebook.com/laurend1014

The light at the end of the tunnel

I've watched him struggle both for and against independence.
Sometimes my heart broke for him.
Sometimes I was angry at him.
Each step was so. slow. and. deliberate.
"Just do it!" I'd think. "It's not that hard."
A couple of times I even said it out loud.
And while I never doubted he could do it,
   I often knew he wasn't ready.

Then one day this spring, after a breakthrough of mythic proportions,
he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,

Ben changed my life long before we dated.
It's exciting to walk with him as he
changes his own. I love this guy. <3

"I'm going to be okay."
"I have a future."
"I've never believed that before."
     and my heart stopped in my chest.
I still can hardly type those words without tearing up.

All those times I was frustrated to tears,
all those times I pushed him and he shut down,
all those times I tried to talk about the future
and he said he didn't know what he wanted from life...

It wasn't indecisiveness or him being wishy washy.
It certainly wasn't about us.
     He literally did not believe he had a future.
     He couldn't see it.

When you are in a tunnel with no light at the end,
     how far do you keep walking before you just stop?
Ten years? Twenty? More?

I'm so proud of how hard he fought,

even those times I didn't know if I could much longer.

I'm so proud of how he is continuing to fight,

     to be the man he knows God created him to be,

to turn that 'head knowledge' he's been acquiring for years

about exactly what Jesus thinks of him

     into the 'heart knowledge' he needs to move forward 

with hope into the abundant future we've all been promised.

While the scale isn't always as grand, everyone struggles with this on some level. There is almost always an area of our lives where we don't have a vision for the future. Maybe it's an area of your life that you don't even know exists yet.

Proverbs 29:18 says, "Where there is no vision, people perish."

The lack of vision can affect someone on a large scale, or it can affect a certain aspect of their lives. A person with no vision for personal finances, will see their finances fall apart.  A person with no vision for their business, will never see it grow. A person with no vision for their relationships with their family will see those relationships start to wither away.

The enemy works overtime to keep us from having vision, from seeing the light at the end of our tunnels. It's not that the light isn't there... he can't turn it off, he can only distract us from seeing it. And of all the the things Satan is good at, distraction is at the top of the list.

When it comes to vision for our future, there are a lot of ways to keep us distracted... pain, sickness, stress, and drama are just a few. One of his favorite ways to distract us is to try to convince us we are someone different than who God says we are.

Knowing who you are in Christ is the MOST important part of keeping Satan from distracting you, because while we may be temporarily distracted from seeing the Truth, the Truth hasn't changed.

Proverbs 23:7 says, "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he."

When you start to feel hopeless, and you can't find the light, and you don't know how to fight... don't just remind yourself who God says you are... remind Satan that you know who you are... So that the God of hope can fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

I can't wait to see

I often say that I can't wait to see how God's provision comes through for one situation or another as I watch expectantly for the big "Ta-Da!" moment. When it comes that way, my mind is always blown and I love sharing the story with others.

But more often, the provision comes a little bit at a time, from all different directions. And while I am so grateful, I sometimes forget to share how God moved in those times as well.

In the last month, God's provision has come in the steady stream of new clients, the judgement for someone who owes me money who was able to pay some of it back, and the dealership who accidentally gave me the wrong tires months ago, that switched out my punctured tire (running on it's second can of fix-a-flat) in the process of reversing the previous error.

It came in a letter from the state telling me they need one more piece of proof of income so they can send that state tax return I forgot never came.

It came in the Neurosurgeon's billing specialist who said, "No, we don't accept your insurance, but just come to the appointment and we'll bill you after. When you get the bill, call us and we'll send you some paperwork to see how much our Community Cares program can help."

It comes a little bit at a time as I pass a sale at the mall or a yard sale down the street without buying anything... because I feel that gentle nudge in my spirit that part of being thankful for His provision is being wise with it as well.

I never know how God is going to follow through on His promises. I just know that He will. The tricky part is remembering to keep my eyes open for the how.

Our trip to California last February was amazing. I could go on for hours about the things God lined up for us and the ways He provided for that trip. I mean, really... who else could have arranged for five of us to fly from Chicago to LA on a major carrier for $600? Who else could have gotten the five of us into Disney for $150?

God could have dropped $10,000 in my lap again out of nowhere, but He didn't need to. He knew what we wanted and what we needed... and He took care of it a piece at a time.

God knows exactly what you need. God knows what you want, too. He has already promised to prosper you and give you a future. He has already promised to give you life more abundant. He keeps His promises.

In I Kings 17, we read about the widow of Zarephath. She had been told she was to feed a man of God who was coming her way. She knew she didn't have enough. She didn't even have enough to feed herself and her son. Yet, when Elijah asked her to make him food, promising her resources would not run dry, she did. The Bible says she and her son ate for many days afterwards.

While there are many things one can take away from this story, the one that I appreciate today is that God provided for this woman a day at a time. She could have given up the day before Elijah came, knowing there were only two days of food left. Instead she believed God would provide, and she waited.

You may be in a season of your life where He is providing one day at a time... which can make it feel like the provision isn't there. Take a deep breath and look around. See what you have and what HE has given you. How has God provided for where you are in this very moment?

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.  But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:31-34

Not about the chains

Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off!

Acts 16:25-26

It was dark in the jail cell. So dark, in fact, that the guard had to call for a light to check on the prisoners. The darkness couldn't hide the filth of the jail. The smell was rank. Being underground made it easy for waste and rodents to accumulate. Even the guards didn't want to be there. Only the poorest, lowest-ranking guards were assigned to this place.

One can barely imagine, these days, what a place like that really must be like, much less how anyone who ended up there through no fault of their own could stand it for even a short time. Paul and Silas were there after being unjustly beaten and chained into the stocks. In fact, the punishment was so undeserved that the Roman government tried to let them go quietly the next day. They refused to leave that way and were actually apologized to by the officials, who then asked them again to leave the city.

What happened the night they were in jail, specifically in those two verses, says a lot about the way we should handle our own negative situations, the chains that are binding us.

Focus on Jesus

First, note that Paul and Silas were UNJUSTLY imprisoned. Yet, did they continuously call for the guards or the government officials? Did they complain about their imprisonment while locked in the stocks? Did they tell their story over and over, hoping for some cell-mates or the guard to be on their side? There is no note or mention of Paul and Silas complaining about anything. What does it say they DID do? 

"Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God..." 

They didn't focus on what was holding them down. They already had faith that He would work things out for the good of those who loved Him. So, what was left to do? Rest in His presence with prayer and praise, beginning early and continuing until the earth quaked at midnight.

Keep Singing

How long were Silas and Paul singing before the chains fell off?

"Around midnight..."

What are the chances that this pair had just started their singing when the earth began to quake? If you've spent the day in a dark, filthy prison, does midnight seem like the time of day you'd feel like striking up a song? 

When surrounded by negativity, it is easy to feel despair yourself. As night fell and hopelessness set in for many of the prisoners, Paul and Silas knew that to keep hopelessness from setting in for themselves as well, they had to fight the best way they knew how: Prayer and praise. 

What would have happened if there had been no change to the situation? If their imprisonment had gone on for days or weeks, would they have stopped praying and singing? While they spent this one night in prison, Paul actually spent a total of about 6 years of his ministry in prison. He wrote between eight and thirteen books of the New Testament, depending on who you ask, many of them from prison. I don't doubt they would have continued to sing, even if their miracle hadn't come that night.

Who is watching you?

There were others in the jail with Paul and Silas. While some of them may have been imprisoned unjustly as well, there were likely thieves, murders, and outlaws of all kinds mixed in. Yet, Paul and Silas didn't spend their time preaching to the other prisoners. They didn't order them to repent or to confess anything. They didn't tell them, "Pray with us and be saved!" They knew that nothing they said would make an impact for the other prisoners. The other prisoners merely listened as Paul and Silas dealt with their own burdens in praise and prayer... and what happened?

"the chains of every prisoner fell off"

When you focus on Jesus instead of your struggles, instead of the injustices dealt to you, instead of your chains... it not only impacts you. It impacts those who see it. Your praise could be the thing that breaks the chains of those around you.

But How?

How in the world could anyone go through what Paul and Silas went through... or what you are going through right now... and continue to pray and praise the Lord? 

Paul knew who he was in Christ, trusting Him fully. Paul also knew what understanding that would do for you as well.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. 

Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 

~Ephesians 3:17

That trust grows as you turn your focus towards Jesus. Stop focusing on the chains and focus on Jesus. The more you know Him, the easier that becomes. You have to know that He wants only good for you.

He sees you sitting in the dark, feeling chained to the floor. He knows what you need and want. He knows how you feel. Know this... He will break the chains. And when He does it, you will feel them break, but you won't see it happen... because your eyes will be on Jesus.

Take heart

You are going to make it. Just sayin'.

Wait, did you think this post was for you? Maybe it was... but today it is for me too.

~~~~~
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
~Romans 8:37-39

 

God bless Goliath

Everyone has giants in their lives that need to be slayed. Your giants could be trials, sicknesses, addictions, or even people. They make us feel like tiny David, up against a Goliath. Satan is constantly at work, and can manifest in so many ways. It is not uncommon for him to find a Goliath in our lives, and work through that person to try to destroy us and our testimony. One in particular is tormenting me at the moment, but I have complete faith that God will work this out as well.

 
Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all 

strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, 

and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

~Ephesians 6:11-12

When Goliath's wrath ramps up,
I remind myself that I'm not battling flesh and blood.
Anger at him isn't going to do any good.
Retaliating, arguing, fighting to get what I want
especially when all I want is peace
won't help the situation at all. I should pray.
I've reminded myself of this often over the years.

 

O Lord, oppose those who oppose me.
Fight those who fight against me.

~Psalms 35:1

And while I've prayed for God to rescue me from situations,
prayed for God to make Goliath see what he is doing,
how he is only ultimately hurting a child
who loves him to no end,
I recently realized that merely saying "this is of the devil"
and dismissing the person who is being controlled
isn't what we are called to do.

You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!

~Matthew 5:43-44

That's not so difficult, right?
How hard is it to throw a "God bless Goliath" out there
during my prayer time? Not difficult at all.
But I also know that my God isn't a fan of lip service.
He wants us not to just do what He says, but to mean it,
because flippant prayers don't change the world.

Look, I have given you authority over all the power of the enemy, and you can walk among snakes and scorpions and crush them. Nothing will injure you.

~Luke 10:19

Why would God give us authority and power like this through Him
and not expect us to use it fully? Why would we want to? 
When God calls us to pray for our enemies,
He wants nothing less than direct and purposeful prayers,
and sometimes, He tells us, it takes more than that.

And when He had come into the house, His disciples asked Him privately, “Why could we not cast it out?”So He said to them, “This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting.” 

~Mark 9:28-29

How seriously are you taking attacks of the enemy?
How badly do you want to see change?
Your prayer life should reflect those answers.
Goliath's tactics ramping up? Drop to your knees.
It's time for specific, deliberate prayers, petitions
in the name of Jesus to shut mouths, open eyes and turn hearts.

Showing off

I felt like such a whiner when I put up my last post. But it was truly how I felt, so I hit publish. More than one person thanked me for writing about the desire to be defended and told me they understood because they felt the same. It was a great reminder about why I am writing, even when I don't feel like I have anything positive to write about. Thank you for the encouragement. :-)

Today though, I do have something positive to write about.


I broke my phone.
Like really, unfixably broke it.

Just wait, it gets better... let's back up a tiny bit here.

I think it's important to do things for myself from time to time. Occasionally, I go to the mall and get a massage. I budget that 30 minutes of heaven in carefully and had been thinking that I could go in this week...even though I knew that I was pushing my budget to do so.

Then, at church this morning, I dropped my phone during corporate prayer, rendering it useless. I felt sick. I can't run a business without that phone working. What was I going to do!?! I was already at prayer... Yes, I prayed for my phone. Laid hands on it right there. Someone else even prayed for my phone with me. It still didn't work.

"Well, there goes that massage as well as a lot of other money I don't have," I thought.

I had signed up to volunteer at our local Christian radio station to take fundraising calls today starting after prayer, but I can't do business without a phone... so I briefly considered skipping out in order to try to figure out what to do about my phone. But I couldn't do that. I had said I would be there, and I LOVE the people at the station. They have been a huge part of my story. So, instead I prayed for direction and asked God to show me how He wanted me to take care of this before heading on to the station.

Between calls a friend of mine came back and saw my broken phone and commented. I told her, "I did it just before coming here today and decided God is just going to have to take care of it because I don't know what to do." Almost immediately another station employee, one who had been working with us volunteers, said, "I have an iPhone with a cracked screen. My mom surprised me with a new one. It's just sitting on my table if you want it." Shocked, I thanked her and told her I would only need it a few days until I figured something else out. She shook her head and said, "No, you can have it."

Wow God, I totally did not see that one coming... I'm going to pick it up at her place in the morning.

Awesome, right!?! Wait... it gets better.

A couple of hours later, as I was picking up my things to leave the station, a woman in scrubs came around the corner of cubicles and announced they were there to give chair massages to volunteers if anyone was interested. You mean, similar to the one I can't afford but was hoping to try to fit in anyway?


Now, that's just God showing off... (I love it when He does that!)

You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!
~Psalm 139:5-6 (NLT)

What is the price of five sparrows—two copper coins? Yet God does not forget a single one of them. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.
~Luke 12:6-7 (NLT)

Come

God made me a pretty smart girl.
I have some good ideas from time to time.
If a good idea in a willing servant is God-inspired,
there is very little that can keep it from becoming reality.

As much as I try to be a willing servant
so many "good ideas" have fallen apart for me
when I tried to take action on them.
Even the ones that I thought would bring Him
the glory He wants and so richly deserves.

Don't You see that I am trying to do something amazing here?
When people see it, they will give You the glory!
This will prove to so many that it only takes
faith to move mountains.

Then it doesn't work out, and I am heartbroken.
Tired, depressed, angry, irritated, and unmotivated.
Pray? Why bother? (As if I'm punishing Him.)

Read? I don't feel like it. (As if somehow He will cave to my sulking.)

I'm reading a book, The Extravagant Fool by Kevin Adams. Here is an incident he related in this book between him and his daughter that floored me, probably much like it did Kevin when it happened...

At age four she came bouncing from the bathroom, dripping wet with tears in her eyes, to ask, “Daddy, didn't you say that anything is possible with God if you just believe hard enough?”

“Sure, sweet girl. Absolutely.”

“Well, Daddy . . . I’ve just come from the bathtub, and it was filled up to the top.”

“Uh-huh.” I suddenly imagined myself backhanding the floating chairs, toilet seats, and toothbrushes half submerged in Bathroom Lake.

“Daddy?”

“Yes, sweetheart?” I’m now reluctantly reaching for the bathroom door, with her close behind me.

“Well, um . . . I’ve been trying and trying to walk on the water the whole time, and I just can’t do it. I’m really sorry, Daddy. I believed I could do it with God’s help, but I can’t — and I’m really sorry.”

With profound silence, I looked at her curious little face and hoped for a routine word ...

... But all I had to offer this time was a hug — one I couldn’t let go of without a little extra help from above.

Help me, Father. Just one thought that gently brought the next one:

Anything is possible with Me, but not everything is useful to Me. Peter only walked after I said, “Come.”
“Sweet girl,” I said on the heels of that thought, “it is possible for you to walk on water, but only if it’s something God wants you to do. Did He tell you to walk on the water?”

“No, Daddy, He didn’t. I just wanted to.”

Before I could finish that brilliant thought, though, she was on to the next subject.

It doesn't matter if I have the best intentions or the worst intentions. It doesn't matter if my end goal is selfish or if I want it to work for His glory. If it isn't His will, I will ultimately fail.

 I can tell God I want to make a relationship work, I want to write a book, 

I want to grow my company into something huge in His name,
I want to bring people to Him with the story He's given me

I want to teach teen moms their self worth and help them 

break free from the negative patterns in their lives, 

I want to walk on water.

The reason why doesn't matter.

Whether trying to bring glory to my name or His.
None of what "I want" means anything...

If I don't first listen for Him to say "Come..."

And He said, "Come!" And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 
~Matthew 14:29

Connections

All my life, I’ve had a desire to connect with people. I’ve often tried to fulfill it in all the wrong ways. I still struggle with that at times. It fueled my co-dependency, driving me to cling to people who were bad for me because we had a connection. As I’ve broken ties with a lot of those people over the last couple of years, and even just held back from others, it has often left a void that I wasn’t sure how to fill.

We have three identical services at my church every weekend. Every weekend I go to at least two of them, often all three. It’s not because I need to hear the message again, not just because I LOVE our praise and worship. It’s because I love people. I want to be around them. I want to connect.

I spoke at an event for single moms on Saturday. The experience was amazing. Afterwards I was stopped again and again by women who wanted to tell me how my story touched them. Each time, I felt a connection. It wasn’t even just about being a single mom. Sometimes it was a look in their eyes or a comment they made, but when they stopped me I knew that something I had said connected with them.

When a friend recently confided in me about how someone else’s porn addiction was affecting her, my own experiences gave me the ability to understand the pain they both go through. I hope to be able to continue to encourage her in a way others can’t because of that connection.

When I talk other parents who have children with disabilities, though our children may have completely different issues, we understand each other about a lot of things. There is a connection.

This weekend I was reminded again and again that there is a purpose in everything. There is a reason that I am doing all of this, that I have gone and am going through all of these things. Over and over, as I interact with others, I am seeing the connections.

He isn’t just reminding me “You aren’t alone in this struggle.” He is saying, “Your fight in this is connecting you to these people, enabling you to touch their lives in a way you couldn’t before.”

I’ve suddenly become aware that God has put this desire for connection within me. I may have been doing it wrong, but He had a reason for making me who I am.

I can doubt. I can tell Him He’s got the wrong girl. I can say, “I’m not special...” But when I do work for Him and walk away feeling fulfilled and connected, it reminds me that all of this is for a reason. Seeing Him use me for His purposes and fulfill the desires of my heart at the same time reminds me that I was created for this.

Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Psalms 37:4-6

I can't write

Yes, I know it's been over a week
since I posted anything here.

I have so much to write about
but my brain isn't working.

The closer I am to God's will for my path
the more difficult the path becomes.

Nothing catastrophic is happening
and I know all will be well.

As a matter of fact,
a lot of things are going great.

I just feel like I'm wading
through thickening molasses.

I have been
reading and praying and singing
and praising and worshiping
and binding spirits
and sending them out
and claiming promises,
all in the name of Jesus Christ...

I think it's making someone mad...
I pause for a breath and pressure rises...
but I refuse to give up.

The plan tomorrow? Just sing louder.
I will read, pray, sing, praise, worship, bind, cast, and claim... in His name.
Because all I have to do is believe.

Stating that in faith
     praying that when I wake up
          I can remember to believe
               that all I have to do is believe.

I ask you again, does God give you the Holy Spirit and work miracles among you because you obey the law? Of course not! It is because you believe the message you heard about Christ.
Galatians 3:5

Not About Me

I have a prayer, Lord. A big one.
It is something only You can do.
I have personally felt how quickly
You are able to turn a life around.
Someone else needs it too.
You know how I feel already.
You know what I want.
But that doesn't mean that
any of this is about me.

Let me be Your hands and feet for him.
Let him see a peace in me
that can only come from You,
while you continue the healing
You've already begun.

Help me to remember
that You are my first love.
If this relationship continues
it is only to bring glory to you.
I can’t do that if I am fearing
every move I make while
dissecting his every breath.
Keep me from messing it all up...
You know I can if left to my own devices.

This is not about me. This is not about me. This is not about me.

Let him see You more and more
wherever he looks.
It doesn’t even have to be me
who lights the path,
just let it be someone.
Let it be soon.

To see the pain break off of him
is a bigger miracle than I can imagine
It seems impossible to have that happen
when what binds him is so big
and the time we have so short.
But what is time to You. Lord?
To watch it disappear,
see him become unbound,
see him become the man you already see… that’s my prayer.

Whether he stays or goes.
Whether he cares or does not.
Whether he someday loves or does not.

Those things don't matter.
I want to pray for them,
but selfish prayers cause anxiety I don't need.

He needs You in a deeper way
than he has ever experienced before.
He needs Your healing touch.
Help him to fall in love.
Help him to fall in love with You.

He is never surprised

God really likes to keep me guessing.

Maybe it is because of the fact that I am still in awe when He pulls something together, seemingly at the last minute, and I see the long line of events that brought me to that moment. I say seemingly because I know that the things that surprise me, He has known about since the beginning of time.

Today the surprise was tires... but not just the tires...

So, I have been waiting for this very large check to come. I have plans for most of it as soon as it gets here. One thing that I was going to do was get tires. Mine were REALLY bad. Not safe. But the check hasn't come.

I keep saying that God knows where the check is and when it is coming and His timing is perfect. IT is true. I totally believed it. However, in the mean time, Christmas is coming and I am struggling financially. As much as He is blessing and taking care of us, it has been difficult to accept help. It is so easy to say in response to an offer of help, "Surely there is someone else who needs this." or "Yes, we can use one of those, but God is taking care of us..."

But Friday morning He showed me that by holding on to that check, and keeping it from reaching me right now, God has been forcing me to allow others to bless me. Seriously, if I had that check in hand, I would have said, "Oh no... you can give that to someone who really needs it." or even "I know a family... maybe I should help them out since I can right now."

In reality, while this check can give a small business a boost (the purpose for the check) but it is not an exorbitant amount of money. While I have plans to spend it wisely, I know that the business will use most of it up fairly quickly...

So beyond making me accept blessings from others, He has ensured I'll make it through the holiday season without being tempted to spend it in the wrong places.
In the mean time, my tires have been getting worse and worse. They all needed filled almost daily. One even had a noticeable high-pitched whine from the air that was escaping. It was ridiculously unsafe. Especially with a layer of ice on the ground.

Several people expressed concern about the tires, and one asked me if he could just buy me new tires. My gut reaction was, "Thank you, but no." but I told him I would pray about it when he assured me that there were no strings attached, he just wanted to be a blessing. Honestly, I still felt really uncomfortable about it... but I told him I would pray about it and I did. But I didn't really get an answer.

One of the ways that someone else had blessed us was a gift card to Tractor Supply Company help buy the kids new boots. Again, I really struggled with accepting it, but when I had the epiphany about why God hasn't let me have the check yet, I realized I didn't really have a choice.

The TSC closest to my house didn't have the sizes I needed, so I drove to a neighboring town to see if they did. The thirty minute drive there made it clear that I was in trouble. My alignment was off. The wheel jerked back and forth as I drove. My low-tire light kept flashing at me. I left TSC with the boots I was looking for and my heart sank as I saw I needed air in my tires again.

That's when I started talking to God out loud in the car. It went a little something like this, "I don't know what you want me to do. If you can keep these tires going for a couple more weeks and keep us safe, fine... but tell me and quit making me worry. Do you want me to accept help from that guy? I would need a very real sign to be able to do that." At this point I was yelling a little bit. "I'm sorry I'm stupid, that I need things spelled out for me, but I do... so spell it out. Tell me to do."

A few seconds... yes SECONDS... later, I turned a corner in the string of connected parking lots, to see a Firestone store with the OPEN sign lit up in the window. "Really?" I don't believe in coincidences, so I went in and asked what tires they had available. They didn't have my size in stock. They could order them though. Then, the manager stopped and looked again. "I had a no-show this morning that had ordered tires this size. If you want them, they are yours."

I was wondering if this was sign I was supposed to ask that person who had offered help to do so when I saw the sign on the wall for 6months same as cash. I applied. I prayed. I was approved. I fought tears at the tire counter. An hour later I was driving away. As long as I pay for the tires with my check when it comes, I will not have to pay interest. Also, I got a discount because I used their credit card to get them.

If I hadn't allowed myself to be blessed with the gift card to TSC, I wouldn't have been in that neighboring town today, yelling at God for not answering me when I want Him to. (It happens a lot. It never seems to phase Him though...) I wouldn't have found these tires... and none of this would have happened.

While I was surprised at how things worked out today, He is never surprised. He knows that I am actively trying to seek His will in all things (even though I often fail) and He wanted me to know that He is paying attention... and taking care of my needs.

After I finished getting my tires and doing some Christmas shopping in the neighboring stores, I went through the Starbucks drive-through. A friend had given me a gift card, so I ordered my usual iced tea and then gave in and ordered a Panini as well. The voice through the speaker said, "Oh, we never have any of those left this late in the day. Let me check." She came back just a few seconds later and said, "We did have one left. That never happens! God must have wanted you to have one today!"

And while her comment surprised me... it didn't surprise Him at all.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

Till He appeared

O Holy night, the stars are brightly shining

It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth.

How do I explain to you

what He means to me?

How do I explain

the differences I see

when I look at myself

such a short time

after truly committing

to understand His love?

Someone else did it already.

I’ve heard it a hundred times,

but never really listened...

 Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.

 

I wandered a long time

In my own sin and error

Pining away? You tell me…

 

Sounds pretty familiar, in hindsight.

How could any heart not be broken

that doesn’t truly realize

how much it is worth?

How could anyone who doesn’t see

the kind of sacrifice He made

to spend eternity with them

to make this life worth living
not be slowly wasting away?

That line, those words,

“Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth”

brought tears,
even though 

I’d sung it

     a hundred times before.

          A connection was made.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

What a thrill hope is.
I’ve been hopeless

just before that tiny shaft of light

pierced through what I saw

and brought me hope

that there was something

besides the darkness

I had confined myself to.

Those of us who
finally see the light

have no reason to continue

sitting in the darkness.

The best thrill of my life.

Exhausted from my struggles

I couldn’t not rejoice

at the new morning

that He brought forth.

 

Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!
O night divine, the night when Christ was born

The world was different that night.

Changed. 

     Forever.

          Just like me

               when my soul felt its worth.