Last Summer

When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long.

Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

~Psalms 32:3-4

These verses described my state of body and mind perfectly at one point last summer.

I had already believed myself to have been set free from depression, yet here I was again... sinking fast and I couldn't figure out why. Then I saw these verses and I knew.

I wasn't fighting depression. I was fighting God and depression was the result... My energy was zapped. My body ached. I laid in bed and cried for hours at a time.

I asked God for something and He had told me no, but I wouldn't take it.
Eventually I accepted it and let go. Six months later (last week) I found out that God had told me NO for a VERY good reason that I had been completely oblivious to.

"If God keeps you in Illinois" I said "Then we'll know it is meant to be. I love you."
"Sure," He says, "I love you, too." But he knew he wasn't staying. Now I wonder if he said it to the other two women I just found out he was dating as well?

Thankful this week that I KNOW that my battles are not against flesh and blood. God knew this was coming and what breakthrough I needed to be able to brush it off.

He gave me that breakthrough last week (more on that later) and I can truly say that this new information about what I thought was a relationship did not crush me or make me question my worth the way it would have even a month ago. 

When God says NO it is for a reason. We may not understand at the time, but He KNOWS what is best for us. Don't bother trying to fight with Him... He NEVER lets us win.... 

and if or when we find out why, we are usually grateful beyond words.

If anyone turns a deaf ear to my instruction,    even their prayers are detestable.
~Proverbs 28:9