Chances

The last few weeks, as I've neglected
to return his texts with the same
intensity at which he sends them,
things have started to cool with D.

Living fourteen hours from someone
you care about, who is all talk and
no action is not something anyone
can make work. Especially not me.

I finally told him I can't do it anymore,
this is not what God wants for my life,
I don't blame him. He has never changed
since I met him... I just saw what I wanted to see.

I was always believing hope and prayer
would be enough to change his life.
And whether it affected my life or not,
that someday I would get to see his transformation.

I still believe it will happen one day. I know God
is bigger than anything, whether it be PTSD or
general jerkiness (they can be hard to separate).  I doubt
I'll be close enough to see it. I hope I hear about it though.


I have a friend who is back with the guy
that God doesn't have planned for her life.
She knows it. We've talked about it.
But much like me, she can't let go.

Someone else recently said to me
it's funny how I have such good advice
for other people's relationships,
but I can't see it in my own.

How can I keep telling people to let go of
their destructive relationships, to let go of
the people in their lives who cause pain,
who lie, cheat, and steal from them...
If I'm unwilling to do it myself?

As much as I would argue that I hate misery,
I give God control over things knowing that
He can do a better job, and then take them back
and try to make them work myself... and make myself miserable.

Did you just say to yourself,
"Well ____ doesn't steal from me,
so she's not talking about them."
Theft of time is worse than any earthly possession.

Time you could have spent with your family.
Time you could have spent with your real friends.
Time you could have spent with the 'right' one.
Time you could have spent at the feet of Jesus.

I'm still so far from perfect and have a long way to go, but I'm determined to use what God gives me in the ways He wants me to use it... even if I get turned around from time to time in the process. I am so thankful that He is the God of second chances and that He's apparently given me an unlimited supply, as long as I keep asking for them and trying to do it right.

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. 

~2 Peter 3:9

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
~Phil 1:6

Fighting for new

Just because I'm a new creation,
forgiven, freed and loved, doesn't
mean breaking out of old patterns
is any easier for me than before.
I'm still a human, broken girl
who has trouble making sense of
the world around her, fighting
each step of the way to embrace "new."

When one ex-turned-friend, not D,
sent inappropriate texts last week,
it took me a couple of days
to tell him to please stop.
In fact, just hours before I stopped it,
I had formed a plan in my mind
to follow through on the things he
suggested might be fun to try again.

But, in my heart I knew that simply
attempting to fulfill the longing to be
wanted, touched, and held would
not truly fulfill the real desire
to be loved, honored, cherished.
I could be feeling shame right now
that I was weak in the moment,
but I gave God the chance to step in
and He helped me make a way out.

The Bible says thinking is as bad as doing.
Stopping at that logic, there is no point in resisting.
Instead I choose to see this as another step
to a real victory over my deceitful mind and will.

Don't give up. Don't give in.
Eventually it will get better. 
God's got this, I have to believe.

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. 

And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. 

~1 Cor. 10:13

Reminding myself

Yesterday, as I was driving up a hill, my transmission quit working properly. I babied it the remainder of the trip, and it now seems to be working okay, although it has slipped a few more times while driving.

Researching car values and considering the possibility of having to try to trade it in before it is gone completely, I started to worry. I can't afford a tune-up, much less a rebuilt transmission. I started to think that maybe a dealership would be able to get me into something else. I would be upside down on the loan, I'm sure... and deeper in debt. But I would have a car that works. But is that what God really wants for me?

This morning, getting ready to go speak to a great group of women, a thought popped into my head. What happened to the extravagant faith I've been talking about? Where is the fool in me who is supposed to ignore logic and reason and numbers and just have faith that before time began, God knew my transmission was going to give me problems and I was going to turn to Him for help?

Faith is the opposite of logic. Living by faith doesn't come naturally. I have to remind myself constantly that this is what I should be doing... and not just with the big things... with the little things too.

"God please don't let me forget to pick up dinner before 5."
"Please Lord, help me remember to schedule that doctor's appointment today."
"Lord, help me keep my 'umms' to a lower number today than last time I spoke."
"God, please put the words that someone needs to hear in my heart... 

and give me the courage to speak them."

I think I'll try this prayer... "Hey, God? Could you remind me to walk by faith if I forget today? This being human stuff is harder than You think..." So thankful for His mercy and grace today... and very much looking forward to sharing how He works out my transmission problem. :-)

For we walk by faith, not by sight.
~2 Corinthians 5:7

Tuesday

I spent Tuesday in bed.

A truly inspiring Christian author
wrote me yesterday, calling me a
"faithful, humble and bold believer"
and I couldn't help but think,
"If he only knew I was so
discouraged that I spent Tuesday
in bed, sleeping and crying."

How bold and faithful is that?

Since my post about "Worth"
last week, Satan has made it his
mission to see that I don't recognize
mine by bringing to light the
comments, thoughts and actions of
those who often act as if I have none,
from exes to my own children.

This isn't what I asked God to show me.

As I function as this person I am, and
then turn and share about the love, mercy,
and grace of God with others,
I feel like I'm two different people.
The faithful, humble, bold believer, and
the girl who recognized the oncoming train
as an attack by Satan, but didn't run.

No, I laid down on the track in front of it.

I love being the girl who shares with others about
what God has done in my life. I love inspiring
people with hope of what He wants to do
in theirs. I love connecting with people,
sharing, pouring into them, saying something
I feel is random and finding out God put
those words in my heart for just that one person.

Being that girl is awesome.

Some days I just wish I could get THAT girl to knock some sense into THIS one.

Worth

Today I was reminded that if God's plan
for my future includes helping teach other
women their worth in Him, that I might need
to have a better grasp on my own.

As much as my life has changed, as much
as I think I understand my worth now,
(I even posted about it last Christmas)
God says, "Nope, you don't quite get it yet."

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
Let an ex flirt from 14 hours away,
knowing he doesn't really mean a word
just because it's nice to feel wanted.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't obsess
over blog stats, retweets, and click-throughs
as if they are important, when she knows God
is using her work and that's all that should matter.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
dislike being alone so much that she often busies
herself to exhaustion, while putting off solitary,
yet necessary, tasks until the last minute.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
keep trying to find it through the eyes
of others when God has made it clear
that the only opinion that matters is His.

Someone who knows her worth wouldn't
long for things God has asked her to put aside,
because she knows her relationship with God
is more important than the things she thinks she misses.

I struggle with the whys of this at the moment because
I know it's not because He hasn't tried to show me.

But I also know that if God really wanted me to understand,
He could open my eyes to it, remove the veil in my mind.

So, why do I still struggle with knowing my worth?
What are You waiting for, God? Lay it on me. I'm ready. I think.

Or am I missing something else here? Maybe there is a reason
for this struggle? Maybe recognizing the struggle is half the battle?

I keep trying to wrap this up with some amazing Heavenly answer
but I don't really have one. When I do, I have a feeling you'll know.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
~Psalm 139:13-16

Progress, I guess

Not content to be the slow and steady tortoise.
I know better than to be the high and mighty hare.
Three steps forward and two and a half back is
still progress, right? So slow though. So slow.

I worry tonight that I may never get it right,
that 30 years from now God will say, "I did have
an awesome plan, but it didn't seem as though
you wanted it badly enough to play by My rules.
You missed it, and I moved on. Sucks to be you."

Would He do that? I don't know. 

I recently told a friend "If there was a chance
'A' was available and interested,  it would
take a moment or less to say, " 'D' who?"
Later, another thought crossed my mind...

Am I so much less inspired by God,
the creator of Heaven and Earth, the One who
promises to give me everything I will ever need,
that I would take a leap of faith for a man who will
at some point let me down, but not a God who promises otherwise?

Don't I trust Him more than that? I thought I did.

Tonight I watched reality TV. Bear Grylls
talked about not needing to have a tight grip
on the things of this world because he's
holding tightly to the One that matters most.

My heart swelled to see it on Prime Time,
but inside I felt a little tug that annoyed me.
I'm not asking for fame or fortune or a nice car,
clothes, house, money, I don't care about those.
Why is wanting to love and be loved wrong?

How do I make myself want it less? I don't know.

And as I write I think, "What happened to focusing
on His glory and not on your struggles?"
That's one of those steps back I guess.
If I got it all right the first try (or the 27th)
how real would that be? Writing it out and continuing on...

Faster than the tortoise and smarter than the hare, I hope.
Although, that begs the question, "Where is the finish line?"

Give me strength

I am not one to jump out of bed daily
with a spring in my step, ready to go.
I can be pretty productive in the morning,
but the enemy likes to pounce before
my eyes are even open. My first victory
every day is just getting out of bed.
Sometimes that victory is a first place trophy,
other times it is a participation ribbon that says,
"This is your life, thanks for showing up today."

I need You to soften my heart, to break me apart.
I need You to open my eyes, to see that You're shaping my life. 

For awhile now, I've woken up each day
with a different song in my head.
I hadn't thought much about before today.
What if this isn't just the typical craziness
of my brain, but a Gift to encourage me
to get through the attacks that start
when I'm barely conscious and continue
until I'm headed out the door, focused elsewhere,
often having missed out on precious time at His feet.

 Give me strength, to trust what You say

That You're good, and Your love is great

I don't just need faith to believe what He says,
there's no doubt I believe, but the strength
to put His commands into action. To do.
There's a big difference between believing and doing.
I'd love to say I get it right most of the time, but
there are things that I need to change.
Some things I'm aware of, some I am not. 
He knows though, and He has the strength to help.
The problem is relying on His strength instead of my own. 

I may be weak, but your Spirit's strong in me.

My flesh may fail, my God You never will.

As He continues to open my eyes to what
He is doing and planning for my life,
I have to continue to attempt to shift my focus
from my battles to His power, strength, and glory,
and to the gifts He gives me every day...
A song in my heart, and continued grace
as I walk this path. It feels like a crazy winding road,
but it doesn't matter as long as I focus on the Light
that is at my feet, giving me just enough grace to take the next step.

I need You to soften my heart, to break me apart.
I need You to pierce through the dark, and cleanse every part of me
All I am, I surrender...

Timing

It's amazing how swiftly
the attacks from the enemy
come once you've made up
your mind to do something
you know God wants you to do.

God's timing may be perfect, but Satan's is pretty good too.

I'm not giving up. Just struggling today.
Funny how I always seem to struggle on holidays.
I'm pretty sure I have no emotional attachment to Labor Day.
Yet, here I am.


Added later...
 As soon as I said I had no emotional attachment to Labor Day
     and hit "post" on this blog, I had a flood of memories of parades
          and cook outs and little kids everywhere and adults sitting around
     and talking for hours. Sometimes we just watched the parades
but I remember the years my stepdad pulled the babies in a wagon
     while I walked along side, reminding them to throw the candy
          and not to eat it... Occasionally digging a slobbery still-wrapped
     tootsie roll from a tiny mouth that didn't have the teeth to chew it.

Everything started to fall apart yesterday at church when I heard people talking about their holiday plans. Throw in a few messages in opposition to the promises I'm trying to keep, and you can see how good the enemy's timing really was.

It will get better. Getting homework and housework done today in addition to some other things. I have a busy week ahead and am planning a trip out of state to visit my brother who I rarely see, but talk to often. Praying for God to provide for that trip.

I need to run or bike today. It's been weeks...
could definitely use some of those endorphins right now though.

God is doing wonderful things... but it's still a battle.
There will always be setbacks and bad days and dealing with the consequences of foolish choices. But we all have the ability to choose to see the good in each day.

Joy is a choice.

The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.
~Psalms 28:7