The ocean floor

Walking on the bottom of the ocean
hulking weight secured to the ankle,
fully geared for the long underwater journey,
each step in the present so difficult,
but focusing instead on someday.

Putting up with the weight for now,
believing that it will be easier after
the next reef, the next ridge, the next drop, the next climb.

Fleeting spots of light catch attention
and are followed, but turn out to be
more deceivingly bright fish that lead
purposefully further into the darkness.

Frustrated and lost, the weight is drug
back towards the previous path, hoping
a renewed determination will help achieve the desired outcome.

Pride at each stride towards 'better' fades
as landmarks, earlier passed, appear ahead,
long after they were thought
          to have been left behind.
And the journey through the darkness continues...

I might be talking about you, but I'm talking about me too.

Not me now, but me then. How I came to understand

that I knew Who had the key to the chain on that weight

and He wanted to give it to me, is still a mystery to me.

I had heard it over and over, but how I came to understand, 

I don't know. I very much wish I did.

Because...

If I could figure it out,
if I knew what it would take,
if I only had the combination of words,
the right set of circumstances,
the book, the chapter, the verse,
I would make it happen in a heartbeat for you.

All I can do right now is say, "Look up! He's right there... waiting for you. He wants you to leave that weight there... it isn't important. It doesn't define you. Leave it here in the darkness... on the bottom of the ocean floor."

Once again you will have compassion on us.
You will trample our sins under your feet
and throw them into the depths of the ocean!
~Micah 7:19

how it should be

cards and flowers for birthdays
and anniversaries and sometimes
for the reason of ‘just because,’
going to church together,
celebrating holidays, enduring
each other’s families, and
finding the laughter in it all.

be here for me when i’m tired and
i need help or am hurting
and i’ll do the same for you
and if we happen to be tired, hurting or
need help at the same time
we’ll know Who we can rely on

someday i want a ceremony and vows
but before we get there I have to know
your word means something to you
don’t make plans with me you don’t
intend to move heaven and earth to keep
and don’t say things to me you don’t mean

because when you decide you want
to stay, i want it to be forever, without
any chance or reason for you to go
before the sun rises and the kids are up
to see how a family is supposed to look

Still the same

Far from perfect, yet
I still thought I did
everything mostly right.
So it didn't make sense
that it was really over.

When I realized it was,
all I wanted to do was
send a giant F You upwards
to the One who knew
I'd get hurt,
     and didn't care
          enough to stop it.

It was hard work deciding
to do things differently.
It was hard believing that
I could change and was
a new creation. But I did.

"Doesn't it seem like
you are following
the same old patterns
with this relationship
as you did before?" he said.

"No. This is different.
You are different than
those guys. Our relationship
is not the same as the ones
I had before." I said.

"We're not getting back together.
Nothing that happens now
is going to change anything.
You understand that, right?"

"Yes," I lied, and pulled him to me.

Love is the opposite

Humans are naturally selfish.
Our innate selfishness makes
showing our jealousy and pride,
our impatience and arrogance,
as easy as breathing most days.
We long to keep track of every way
we have been hurt in the past
and sometimes even cheer
when "karma" gets someone back.
As humans we weigh out every decision,
asking ourselves, what's in it for me?
When things don't work out
the way we think they should
we get demanding, angry, irritated,
then we give up, walk away, and lose hope.
Humans are naturally selfish.

But love is the opposite of self.

When we say I love you
and really mean what we say
we say 'I will put you ahead of me.
I will think about things from
your point of view before I act.
My wants, needs, and feelings are important,
but not more important than yours.
I'm not giving up on you. So,
if you disappoint me based on
my high expectations or your humanity,
I'm going to do my best to understand,
because, when I say I love you and mean it
I'm not asking for anything in return."
 
Love isn't easy.
Love is a choice.
Love is the opposite of self.

 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7




Thanks to Rising Above The Darkness for "Love is the opposite of self."

Distractions

Praying for others
helps with my anxiety,
reminds me that I'm not
the center of the universe
the way the enemy wants
me to believe I am.

The more I pray for others,
the more I feel him fight me.
The more I pray for others,
      the more distractions I see,
      the more things seem to go wrong
      the more plans change at the last minute
      the more conflict pops up.
The more I pray for others,
the more he tries to inflame my insecurities and anxieties.

Using my humanity against me,
he sways my focus back to myself.
Humans are selfish, it isn't difficult
to get us to turn our focus inward.

As I spend more time in prayer
it has become easier to see it happening.
and I've pushed through to come back,
      pouring over scriptures more diligently
      praying more fiercely
      praising more passionately
than I was before the distraction took place.

A continuously looped playlist
of praise and worship music helps.
Google+ tells me the 35 song playlist
has been played through 40+ times
in just the last few weeks.

But over the last few days,
as pain from a stupid injury
has continuously increased,
making me lose precious sleep,
it has been persistently harder
to keep my focus on anyone else.


I've been to the chiropractor now,
the pain is already improving.
But it wasn't until this afternoon,
when nothing today had gone as planned,
the ugly monster of anxiety overtook me,
and I realized how little time had been spent
in personal prayer and the Word.

So he needed a new technique for distracting me...
Nothing like physical pain to make
a person more inwardly focused.
I have to admit, it was a solid plan.
But I've caught on now.
The enemy won't win this battle either.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

Psalm 19:14

So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

James 4:7  

I can't write

Yes, I know it's been over a week
since I posted anything here.

I have so much to write about
but my brain isn't working.

The closer I am to God's will for my path
the more difficult the path becomes.

Nothing catastrophic is happening
and I know all will be well.

As a matter of fact,
a lot of things are going great.

I just feel like I'm wading
through thickening molasses.

I have been
reading and praying and singing
and praising and worshiping
and binding spirits
and sending them out
and claiming promises,
all in the name of Jesus Christ...

I think it's making someone mad...
I pause for a breath and pressure rises...
but I refuse to give up.

The plan tomorrow? Just sing louder.
I will read, pray, sing, praise, worship, bind, cast, and claim... in His name.
Because all I have to do is believe.

Stating that in faith
     praying that when I wake up
          I can remember to believe
               that all I have to do is believe.

I ask you again, does God give you the Holy Spirit and work miracles among you because you obey the law? Of course not! It is because you believe the message you heard about Christ.
Galatians 3:5

I thought

I thought it was an amazing revelation
that God is not a jerk, just waiting for me
to screw up so He can punish me.
Instead I am beginning to realize that
without fear of His immediate wrath
I'm not in such a hurry to do what I should.
And even as I type that I ask myself
"What the heck is wrong with you!?!
After all He has done, do you consider
shrugging off these gifts and promises
simply because it feels difficult this week?"

I want to repent for the thoughts swirling in my head, but I don't think I mean it.
And I know enough to know that He would know the truth.

I am sure that this is just a temporary
tug from the direction of the enemy.
I know that His plans for me are great
because He knows me and loves me.
Just feeling incredibly human at the moment.

Headed to prayer at church.
Focusing on some other people's prayers
would probably be good for me right now.