Get in the boat

"He is not going to fight for you."
As I wrote before, I heard it clearly.
And then, all of the sudden, he did.

Or so it seemed.

Message after message calling me
beautiful, and special, and wonderful.
I had already accepted there would be no fight.

So what was this?

It was late, and he had been drinking.
"If you mean any of this, tell me tomorrow.
I have a feeling I won't hear from you."

I hoped I was wrong.

He assured me I was wrong and
asked me to come over to see him
"I just want to hold you in my arms."

It sounded wonderful.

But I knew it wasn't right, saying no
again and again, unwavering.
"If you mean it, tell me tomorrow."

"I will," he said. "Goodnight Gorgeous."

The next day I waited until late afternoon.
"You don't have anything to say?" I asked
"I'm an idiot." he replied

It didn't even take a moment to sink in.

He said it all hoping I would come over.
He wanted something and thought I would
give in if he said nice things about me.

It's worked for others in years past.

"Is that what this was?" I asked. Silence.
"A simple yes or no will suffice"
 His reply, "Basically." and "I'm sorry."

Hurt and angry at his attempt to manipulate me, and also wondering what it meant about every other conversation we'd ever had, I argued with him for a while through IM. Finally he said, "If you want to bash me and scream at me, you can. I can take it." But I couldn't do it. I fell asleep instead.

God took that time to work on my heart, to get me to see past the hurt feelings.

By the next morning I knew that what had happened was a symptom of his own spiral. I knew that he didn't deliberately hurt me, I was just collateral damage in his own personal mess and his struggle with alcohol, one I didn't even realize existed.

I wrote him a long note about my own spiral and his, about walking in righteousness, about being able to fail fast, realize we've failed and jumping up to try again. I wasn't preaching to him as someone who was superior... I was sharing with him as someone who has needed to hear these things myself in the last couple of weeks.

"I want to be angry with you, but

I don't know if I can be. 

I may be hurt and upset, but 

I can't sit in a boat and

watch you drown 

while I yell at you for splashing water on me."

I sent him my blog post called "Be still" and told him Jesus is fighting for him too. He agreed.

Maybe we can be good friends again someday. I don't see us ever dating again. That ship has sailed... and he wasn't in the boat. ;-)

I'll continue to pray for him. But his salvation and sobriety aren't my responsibility.

You have no idea what a huge statement that is coming from a habitual co-dependent rescuer, and how proud of myself I am for writing it and believing it. It's amazing when baby-steps turn into actual change.

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. 

But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. 

So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.” 

~Luke 22:31-32 Spoken by Jesus, emphasis added.

Just a symptom

I recently started (and ended) a relationship with someone new. It didn't last long, and it is not the cause of the spiral written about awhile back, just a symptom.

I liked him. A lot. Our meeting seemed Divinely inspired and we quickly became good friends. It didn't take long for things to turn somewhat serious, for me at least. The problem was, we couldn't fully walk with God and each other at the same time. We tried, but we encouraged the worst habits in each other. We also tried asking God to show us if we should be dating or not, but we didn't really wait for His answer and we forged ahead anyway.

I ignored red flags and warning signs that it wasn't right. I'm sure he did too.

Over the last few days, as God and I have worked on some things, I knew I would have to put an end to anything beyond friendship, even though nothing official had ever been proposed. We needed a new, clear, boundary. Honestly, I don't think it phased him... which is why I say it turned serious "for me at least." And while that stung a bit, I'm proud of myself for having enough self respect to step back and mean it.

I'll admit I hesitated. I asked God, "What if he is upset when I tell him?"
That's when I heard clearly, "He is not going to fight for you."

Ouch. Not a surprise though.
Someone will. Someday.
He is not that someone.
Today is not that day.

Don't get me wrong. He's not a bad guy, just not the right one.
God has a man who is a better match for me out there.

Someone with good communication skills and clear boundaries.

Lord knows we won't last a month without them...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
~Jeremiah 29:11

Be still

Well, maybe God knows me better than I know myself after all...

Yesterday, as I finished up my blog post, I decided to go for the walk I felt God telling me to take. I was only planning on a mile, I haven't run in forever and there is ice in some places still. Once I got out there though, I couldn't help myself. I ended up going over 2 miles... and I even ran some of it. It felt good. I needed that. Go figure. He probably already knew that.

As I've spent more and more time in the word lately, I've begun to see my recent battles for what they actually are, spiritual warfare. The enemy does not want me to fulfill my purpose in Christ, so he does what he can to steer me in other directions. Writing a note to a friend about this yesterday, God took it a step further in my mind and I was totally blown away.

If two sides are in a battle and one refuses to fight, the one that continues to fight will overtake the one who doesn't. Yet, in recent months, while these battles were raging all around me, I have not been fighting... not even a little bit. So, why didn't the enemy overtake me? Why was I not crushed?

The answer came to mind so quickly that it startled me.

Exodus 14:14

God has been fighting for me all along. Even when I was too weak to fight, even when I just refused. He was there. I didn't have to do anything...

I'm not saying we never have to fight our battles. We will have to fight them with His help.

God tells us that our battles are not against flesh and blood... but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12) 

But this time, He knew I wouldn't or couldn't do it, and stepped in for me. Every move I made on my own, was closer to the enemy's camp. God protected me again and again, even though at one point I was willing myself to fail.

The truth is, I didn't have to be still for Him to fight for me... I had to be still to see it.

These verses touched me tonight as I was writing this...

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.” ~Luke 22:31-32

Jesus fought for Simon-Peter too... because He knew that when Peter came back to Him, he would be able to change some worlds... 

Know

I'll be the keynote speaker at a single moms' conference at the end of April.

Sitting down Friday night to dinner with the friend who recommended me for the honor, we started brainstorming ideas for the mini-sessions we will run as well.  I suggested a great subject for one, but it didn't quite seem right. Then I realized, it wasn't a subject to give someone else. It was supposed to be the title of my session.

"Know Your Worth " I've been asking God to show me mine for a long time... make me understand. I know I don't quite get it yet... and yet somehow He wants me to teach others.

Someone recently said, "If people truly understood their worth in Him, it would change the world."
If He is choosing me to help change some worlds, I can expect a battle... is it weird that I'm a little excited that I see it coming and feel like I can prepare?

I know I won't get it right every time. Even today, as I've struggled with the loneliness that never fails to hit me as I leave church services... I'm pretty sure God told me to go for a walk. I took a nap instead. Then I emailed some people. Then I did some reading. Now I'm writing.

It just occurred to me that truly understanding my worth would probably change my world too.

I hope I'm ready. 

I hope you are too. 

If you are reading this, 

then it's likely that changing my world 

will change yours a little as well. 

The faithful love of the lord never ends! His mercies never cease.Great is his faithfulness;his mercies begin afresh each morning.I say to myself, “The lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The lord is good to those who depend on him,to those who search for him.
~Lamentations 3:22-25 NLT 

Okay, now I'm going to go change out of my church clothes and go for a walk. 

Wow. See how well this accountability blog thing works?

Distractions

It surprises me
every time. Every single time.
One of these days I will be ready when it happens.

I'm sharing at a conference this weekend.
Sharing my testimony and how much God
has changed my life, now that I'm letting Him.

Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy
... and distract...
so of course the battles have been
tougher the last few weeks.

Feeling a little more confident...
If he's working this hard to pull me back down...
There must be some real possibilities to reach people...

Posting this from the conference.
Didn't get it out before.
So much I want to share.
Expect more soon!

 

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.

~1 Peter 5:8

Keep Satan from getting the advantage over us; 

for we are not ignorant of his wiles and intentions.
~2 Corinthians 2:11

Spinning

It's possible to have so many parts of a life in line with God's will and be completely out of line with Him in others. It's a careful balancing act, the enemy is tricky. It took one area of my life to begin spinning out of control again to realize just how far off I am today...

Today I am having
trouble understanding
how God can continue to
bless a woman who is
struggling so much to
understand, accept, and do
His will above all else.
Not because of the struggle,
but because of the many ways
I haven't bothered, the times
I've given up, given in, and
blatantly disregarded Him,
continuing to demand my own way,
kicking and screaming.
 
Spinning out of control,
I've come face to face with
a reality I've been denying.
I thought I had a handle on this
issue from my past, yet I've been
falling back into a familiar,
yet dangerous, pattern where
my will trumps His again and again.
I've begun praying that He
guards me from making choices,
because we both know where I am,
and that I won't choose wisely.

It's an embarrassing and humbling
admission, that He has to take my choices
from me if I am to succeed right now.
But worse than that is having God
sigh and say, "Fine, have it your way"
and watching things begin to spin out of control again.

I'm grateful that even when He does give in,
I only have to turn to see Him standing there,
with His hand out, waiting for me to realize
my errors, and turn around and reach for Him.

I know the way to combat this is to start with my thoughts. Read, pray, continue to ask Him for help.  

If you are reading this, I am asking you for prayer too. None of this is easy, but His will for my life is more important than anything else... and I need to remember that.

The mind governed by the flesh is death, 

but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.
~Romans 8:6

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
~Philippians 4:8