Last Summer

When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long.

Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

~Psalms 32:3-4

These verses described my state of body and mind perfectly at one point last summer.

I had already believed myself to have been set free from depression, yet here I was again... sinking fast and I couldn't figure out why. Then I saw these verses and I knew.

I wasn't fighting depression. I was fighting God and depression was the result... My energy was zapped. My body ached. I laid in bed and cried for hours at a time.

I asked God for something and He had told me no, but I wouldn't take it.
Eventually I accepted it and let go. Six months later (last week) I found out that God had told me NO for a VERY good reason that I had been completely oblivious to.

"If God keeps you in Illinois" I said "Then we'll know it is meant to be. I love you."
"Sure," He says, "I love you, too." But he knew he wasn't staying. Now I wonder if he said it to the other two women I just found out he was dating as well?

Thankful this week that I KNOW that my battles are not against flesh and blood. God knew this was coming and what breakthrough I needed to be able to brush it off.

He gave me that breakthrough last week (more on that later) and I can truly say that this new information about what I thought was a relationship did not crush me or make me question my worth the way it would have even a month ago. 

When God says NO it is for a reason. We may not understand at the time, but He KNOWS what is best for us. Don't bother trying to fight with Him... He NEVER lets us win.... 

and if or when we find out why, we are usually grateful beyond words.

If anyone turns a deaf ear to my instruction,    even their prayers are detestable.
~Proverbs 28:9

The myth of fixing yourself first

"God will send you the right person when you are ready... you need to fix yourself first."

I think it's one of the most destructive "helpful" pieces of advice I've received. People mean well when they say it. Heck, even I have said it to people! But recently, as I've explored the truth of what it means to walk in is righteousness because I am saved and not due to something I have or have not done, something occurred to me about that statement.

Righteousness is either a gift from God based on our accepting Him or it is something we have to earn. IT CAN'T BE BOTH. Joseph Prince says, "When you realize that you cannot earn your righteousness, you'll realize that your failures cannot cause you to lose the righteousness you have in Christ either."

What if that applies to the blessings of God as well? Maybe it is possible that God isn't withholding blessings based on my inadequacies? I mean, my God isn't one who only loves those who are perfect in every way.

Surely, Lord, you bless the righteous;
you surround them with your favor as with a shield.
Psalms 5:12

I don't see anything about perfection in that verse. It was written by King David, one of the most imperfect people in the Bible! But God continuously blessed him anyway... his love for the Lord made him righteous.

Obviously, there is good common sense in the statement about fixing yourself. You should want to be in a place in your life where you don't need someone else to survive...physically, financially, emotionally, etc. But God isn't waiting for you to perfect those areas of your life to bless you.

So, what is He waiting for then?

That's the difficult part. We don't know. We can't know.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”declares the Lord.
Isaiah 55:8

Maybe the other person isn't ready yet. Not that God is waiting on them to "fix themselves" but maybe there are some things they still have to experience that will make them into that perfect mate for you, or maybe that describes you.

Saying that needing to fix yourself is a myth isn't saying that God isn't waiting for a certain time in your life. It is saying that we have to be willing to give up control of this area of our lives. We have to stop trying to "make it work" with those who don't fit and stop wondering if every person we meet is possibly "the one."

The biggest one for me is that I had to stop trying to earn it. Countless times I've said, "Okay God, I've done X for You. Now can have... ?"

I believe there are some things God wants me to see and experience before I meet my husband. I still want one. I still kinda hope I run into him today even. But, in the grand scheme of things, knowing that this is beyond my control, that I can't prove to God that I'm ready any more than I can make the perfect man appear by "fixing myself" gives me the freedom to enjoy life and truly see what God wants me to see without wondering if each step I take is getting me closer to or farther from that desire of my heart.

The key there is seeing and experiencing what God wants for me... there is nothing left to be earned.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.
Ephesians 2:8-9, 13

 

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.
Today’s trouble is enough for today.
Matthew 6:34

Get in the boat

"He is not going to fight for you."
As I wrote before, I heard it clearly.
And then, all of the sudden, he did.

Or so it seemed.

Message after message calling me
beautiful, and special, and wonderful.
I had already accepted there would be no fight.

So what was this?

It was late, and he had been drinking.
"If you mean any of this, tell me tomorrow.
I have a feeling I won't hear from you."

I hoped I was wrong.

He assured me I was wrong and
asked me to come over to see him
"I just want to hold you in my arms."

It sounded wonderful.

But I knew it wasn't right, saying no
again and again, unwavering.
"If you mean it, tell me tomorrow."

"I will," he said. "Goodnight Gorgeous."

The next day I waited until late afternoon.
"You don't have anything to say?" I asked
"I'm an idiot." he replied

It didn't even take a moment to sink in.

He said it all hoping I would come over.
He wanted something and thought I would
give in if he said nice things about me.

It's worked for others in years past.

"Is that what this was?" I asked. Silence.
"A simple yes or no will suffice"
 His reply, "Basically." and "I'm sorry."

Hurt and angry at his attempt to manipulate me, and also wondering what it meant about every other conversation we'd ever had, I argued with him for a while through IM. Finally he said, "If you want to bash me and scream at me, you can. I can take it." But I couldn't do it. I fell asleep instead.

God took that time to work on my heart, to get me to see past the hurt feelings.

By the next morning I knew that what had happened was a symptom of his own spiral. I knew that he didn't deliberately hurt me, I was just collateral damage in his own personal mess and his struggle with alcohol, one I didn't even realize existed.

I wrote him a long note about my own spiral and his, about walking in righteousness, about being able to fail fast, realize we've failed and jumping up to try again. I wasn't preaching to him as someone who was superior... I was sharing with him as someone who has needed to hear these things myself in the last couple of weeks.

"I want to be angry with you, but

I don't know if I can be. 

I may be hurt and upset, but 

I can't sit in a boat and

watch you drown 

while I yell at you for splashing water on me."

I sent him my blog post called "Be still" and told him Jesus is fighting for him too. He agreed.

Maybe we can be good friends again someday. I don't see us ever dating again. That ship has sailed... and he wasn't in the boat. ;-)

I'll continue to pray for him. But his salvation and sobriety aren't my responsibility.

You have no idea what a huge statement that is coming from a habitual co-dependent rescuer, and how proud of myself I am for writing it and believing it. It's amazing when baby-steps turn into actual change.

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. 

But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. 

So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.” 

~Luke 22:31-32 Spoken by Jesus, emphasis added.

Just a symptom

I recently started (and ended) a relationship with someone new. It didn't last long, and it is not the cause of the spiral written about awhile back, just a symptom.

I liked him. A lot. Our meeting seemed Divinely inspired and we quickly became good friends. It didn't take long for things to turn somewhat serious, for me at least. The problem was, we couldn't fully walk with God and each other at the same time. We tried, but we encouraged the worst habits in each other. We also tried asking God to show us if we should be dating or not, but we didn't really wait for His answer and we forged ahead anyway.

I ignored red flags and warning signs that it wasn't right. I'm sure he did too.

Over the last few days, as God and I have worked on some things, I knew I would have to put an end to anything beyond friendship, even though nothing official had ever been proposed. We needed a new, clear, boundary. Honestly, I don't think it phased him... which is why I say it turned serious "for me at least." And while that stung a bit, I'm proud of myself for having enough self respect to step back and mean it.

I'll admit I hesitated. I asked God, "What if he is upset when I tell him?"
That's when I heard clearly, "He is not going to fight for you."

Ouch. Not a surprise though.
Someone will. Someday.
He is not that someone.
Today is not that day.

Don't get me wrong. He's not a bad guy, just not the right one.
God has a man who is a better match for me out there.

Someone with good communication skills and clear boundaries.

Lord knows we won't last a month without them...

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
~Jeremiah 29:11

Be still

Well, maybe God knows me better than I know myself after all...

Yesterday, as I finished up my blog post, I decided to go for the walk I felt God telling me to take. I was only planning on a mile, I haven't run in forever and there is ice in some places still. Once I got out there though, I couldn't help myself. I ended up going over 2 miles... and I even ran some of it. It felt good. I needed that. Go figure. He probably already knew that.

As I've spent more and more time in the word lately, I've begun to see my recent battles for what they actually are, spiritual warfare. The enemy does not want me to fulfill my purpose in Christ, so he does what he can to steer me in other directions. Writing a note to a friend about this yesterday, God took it a step further in my mind and I was totally blown away.

If two sides are in a battle and one refuses to fight, the one that continues to fight will overtake the one who doesn't. Yet, in recent months, while these battles were raging all around me, I have not been fighting... not even a little bit. So, why didn't the enemy overtake me? Why was I not crushed?

The answer came to mind so quickly that it startled me.

Exodus 14:14

God has been fighting for me all along. Even when I was too weak to fight, even when I just refused. He was there. I didn't have to do anything...

I'm not saying we never have to fight our battles. We will have to fight them with His help.

God tells us that our battles are not against flesh and blood... but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12) 

But this time, He knew I wouldn't or couldn't do it, and stepped in for me. Every move I made on my own, was closer to the enemy's camp. God protected me again and again, even though at one point I was willing myself to fail.

The truth is, I didn't have to be still for Him to fight for me... I had to be still to see it.

These verses touched me tonight as I was writing this...

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers.” ~Luke 22:31-32

Jesus fought for Simon-Peter too... because He knew that when Peter came back to Him, he would be able to change some worlds... 

Know

I'll be the keynote speaker at a single moms' conference at the end of April.

Sitting down Friday night to dinner with the friend who recommended me for the honor, we started brainstorming ideas for the mini-sessions we will run as well.  I suggested a great subject for one, but it didn't quite seem right. Then I realized, it wasn't a subject to give someone else. It was supposed to be the title of my session.

"Know Your Worth " I've been asking God to show me mine for a long time... make me understand. I know I don't quite get it yet... and yet somehow He wants me to teach others.

Someone recently said, "If people truly understood their worth in Him, it would change the world."
If He is choosing me to help change some worlds, I can expect a battle... is it weird that I'm a little excited that I see it coming and feel like I can prepare?

I know I won't get it right every time. Even today, as I've struggled with the loneliness that never fails to hit me as I leave church services... I'm pretty sure God told me to go for a walk. I took a nap instead. Then I emailed some people. Then I did some reading. Now I'm writing.

It just occurred to me that truly understanding my worth would probably change my world too.

I hope I'm ready. 

I hope you are too. 

If you are reading this, 

then it's likely that changing my world 

will change yours a little as well. 

The faithful love of the lord never ends! His mercies never cease.Great is his faithfulness;his mercies begin afresh each morning.I say to myself, “The lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” The lord is good to those who depend on him,to those who search for him.
~Lamentations 3:22-25 NLT 

Okay, now I'm going to go change out of my church clothes and go for a walk. 

Wow. See how well this accountability blog thing works?

Distractions

It surprises me
every time. Every single time.
One of these days I will be ready when it happens.

I'm sharing at a conference this weekend.
Sharing my testimony and how much God
has changed my life, now that I'm letting Him.

Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy
... and distract...
so of course the battles have been
tougher the last few weeks.

Feeling a little more confident...
If he's working this hard to pull me back down...
There must be some real possibilities to reach people...

Posting this from the conference.
Didn't get it out before.
So much I want to share.
Expect more soon!

 

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour.

~1 Peter 5:8

Keep Satan from getting the advantage over us; 

for we are not ignorant of his wiles and intentions.
~2 Corinthians 2:11