A spark of enthusiasm

I know you've heard the verse before. Some of you even have it committed to memory.

Take delight in the LORD, 

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

~Psalm 37:4

I spent years holding onto that verse, expecting God to give me what my heart wanted. I would pray faithfully, for a while, because I somehow had the idea that if I asked enough times, God would give in. Then, when begging through prayer didn't work, I'd try something that pretty much amounted to bribery.

"Do You see how good I'm being God? I'm following all Your rules. 

If You want it to continue, then just give me what I want."

To me, "take delight in the Lord" meant "follow all the rules." And "He will give me the desires of my heart" amounted to Him handing over whatever I wanted at any given moment. And I was often angry that it didn't work out the way I planned.

I was reading a passage in Haggai today about the rebuilding of the Lord's Temple by the Israelites. When they discussed rebuilding the temple among themselves, they decided that it really wasn't the right time. They just weren't feelin' it. It wasn't a desire of their heart.

God sent a messenger to tell them to get on it. "Is anyone going to ask Me if it's time? You are spending so much time doing what you think you want, you aren't listening to Me. Start building!" and they did.

The Bible says they did it because they were afraid of God. Their fear was understandable. They still lived under the old covenant. Unlike us, they were still being rated on performance. But what interested me most about this story is in the 14th verse of chapter one.

"So the lord sparked the enthusiasm of Zerubbabel son of Shealtiel, governor of Judah, and the enthusiasm of Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest, and the enthusiasm of the whole remnant of God’s people. They began to work on the house of their God, the lord of Heaven’s Armies,"

They changed their minds to agree with God... and were they miserable about it? Did they drag their feet and have to force themselves to get up every day to do His will? No! It says He "sparked the enthusiasm" not just of the leaders, but of the group of people involved.

You can tell from the beginning of the passage that the Israelites didn't want to rebuild the temple. They weren't praying daily for God to please let the right time come soon. But when they heard God's voice and agreed with Him, He gave them a desire in their heart to do His will.

My favorite view of Praise and Worship
is from the sound booth.

I am in charge of the A/V department at church. I find, train, and schedule volunteers, design lighting scenes, record and edit services for online viewing, and often run the presentations from the sound booth during services, among other things. It is a time consuming and often frustrating position to be in. 

Considering all the other things going on in my life, all the reasons I have to say, "Sorry, I don't have time." why do I do it? Because I love it.

God put a desire in my heart to help my church share His Word this way.
He sparked my enthusiasm for this area of ministry.

I truly believe, and I did long before I ever read that passage, that God wants us to enjoy what we do in life. God did not create us to be miserable. If you aren't enthusiastic about your job or your area of ministry, or maybe even your family situation... you have to ask yourself two things. 

Am I delighting myself in the Lord?

What desires is God putting in my heart?

Maybe He wants to put a desire within you to change your family dynamics. 

Maybe He wanted you to take that job you were excited about, but seemed like too big of a risk. 

Maybe that thing you used to love doing that now feels like an exhausting chore, is a thing He wants you to let go of to make room for something more fulfilling.

Maybe, that area of ministry that you want to be a part of, but you just "don't have time for" will bring you more joy than you can imagine right now. 

Ask Him, and remember that God wants better for us than we can ever even dream of wanting for ourselves.

Glory belongs to God, whose power is at work in us. 

By this power he can do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine. 

~Ephesians 3:20 (GWT)

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

~Psalm 16:11 (ESV)

Take delight in the LORD, 

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

~Psalm 37:4 (NLT)

Don't talk about my child that way...

Last night...

I drop my oldest daughter off at work and head back towards home.

I'm about halfway there when she calls me, upset.

Me: Hello?

Her: I am the worst.

Me: What?

Her: I wore the wrong shoes and they won't let me work without the right ones.

She then launches into a defensive, yet self deprecating monologue about how they've let her before and it isn't fair and how she is dumb and terrible and etc etc.

Me: Just stop.

Her: I need my shoes.

Me: Okay. 

(Momentary silence)

She starts back up again... never once actually asking me to get her shoes for her.

Me: Stop. Repeat after me. Mom, I need my work shoes. Could you go in the house and get them from ______________ and bring them to me at work, please?
Her: I don't know where they are. I looked for them earlier but... 

Me: (Interrupting) Then try this: Mom, I need my work shoes. Could you go in the house find my shoes and bring them to me at work, please?

She complies. Finally.

It takes awhile to find her shoes, but once I do, I send her a text and jump into the car to make the 7 minute trip back to her work. She's waiting outside when I pull up and opens the door, reaching in to grab the shoes.

Her: (With a pained expression on her face) I'm terrible... I...

Me: Stop! Just say thank you.
Her: Thank you! I love you!

Me: I love you too. Bye!

As emotional teenager moments go, this was relatively mild. But driving away I thought how frustrating it was that she was so busy apologizing for her mistake and tearing herself down that she didn't ask for help or say thank you until she was reminded. 

I am human, and I get frustrated sometimes. I also will not pull her out of every situation she gets herself into. But she didn't even ask for help until I told her to because she was so focused on her mistake instead of the fact that I am her mom and I love her.

And all the tearing herself down, saying things about herself that aren't true... doesn't she know who she is to me? She's my child. Regardless of the mistakes she makes, I think she's pretty fantastic. Nobody should feel free to talk about my child that way... not even my child.

I remember when I used to go to God that way for help. 

I'd start off by telling Him how awful and stupid I was. I'd tell Him I was sorry for my mistake or bad choice, but then I'd complain about the consequences and throw in a little about how it wasn't all my fault, just in case it might make Him a little less angry. I was so focused on myself, I couldn't see that He wasn't angry at all.

I think about how it felt to hear my beautiful, smart, talented, highly favored and dearly loved daughter tear herself to bits with her words over a pair of forgotten shoes, and realize how it must have sounded to God when His beautiful, smart, talented, highly favored and dearly loved daughter tore herself to pieces with her words over her own human mistakes in the same way. 

Understanding who we are to anyone, what they think of us, what their expectations of us are, changes the way we interact with them on all levels. It decides whether we approach someone with confidence or trepidation. It determines how we interpret and react to their actions as well. It is so important to communicate to others who they are to us.

God knows that. That's why He provided us with written proof of who we are to Him. It's all in the Bible. 

Below is one of many verses that tells us what God thinks of us...

CLICK HERE to see more verses about who you are in Christ.

For the Lord your God is living among you.

He is a mighty savior.

He will take delight in you with gladness.

With his love, he will calm all your fears.

He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.

~Zephaniah 3:17

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.

~Proverbs 23:7

Who are you?

This has been a year of big changes for me, spiritually speaking. I don't think I could have a more different view of God now than I did this time last year without being something other than a Christian.

The things I've learned about God are rarely taught in most churches these days. And while I dearly love the churches I've gone to over the years, and have great respect for their leaders, I can't help but wonder why the things that changed my entire outlook on life, were not things I learned on a Sunday morning.

I've spent years believing that I had to act right to be acceptable to God, believing that I was spitting in Jesus' face, or trampling His grace under my feet whenever I sinned. I've listened to hundreds of messages that drove me to look inward, at myself, and how I should be doing a better job of being a Christian... how I was obligated to "do better" because of His sacrifice.

And I tried. I tried so hard and failed again and again. As I failed, discouragement would increase until, eventually, I would give up in some way. Usually not too long after, I found myself asking God for forgiveness and trying again. And while I never doubted my salvation, I always knew that when I got to Heaven some day, God would be letting me in begrudgingly, with an eye roll and a shrug.

Even when things looked good to the outside world, I was hurting. Early 2015 saw me in a struggle that made me feel like my best option was to just let God give up on me... because I couldn't get it right. One bad choice spiraled into several and I was so close to not trying anymore.

Oh, how wrong I had it... and I'm so thankful to know.

I remember one of my moments of revelation from this year. Joseph Prince said that either I was righteous because of grace, or I was righteous because I am doing the right things... works... and that I couldn't have it both ways. The moment I tried to pay for His sacrifice with works, I was discounting what He had done on the cross.

It was a light-bulb moment. When I began to comprehend that my sins: past, present and future, had already been forgiven, that feeling of obligation to do the right thing was broken. Suddenly, I wasn't obligated to do anything "right," yet, I wanted to... more than ever.

What a freeing feeling... knowing that God already saw me as righteous... that while I had been declaring myself "a sinner, saved by grace" I should have been calling myself what I really am... "the righteousness of God in Christ."

Over the course of the last year, I have come to learn that when God sees me, He doesn't see a sinner at all. He sees so much more. Below is something I put together that shows just some of the things God says I am... and the good news is... He says you are these things too.

I read it to myself often, saying the words out loud. Not to make them more true, but to help me understand and believe it. Romans 12:12 says that we will be transformed by the renewing of our minds. That's what reading this out loud to myself does.

I can't help but believe it makes Satan shake a bit... because no one is more dangerous to him than someone who knows who she is in Christ.

The bad guy

As my testimony has been shared through various outlets over the last couple of years, a few characters in the story of my life have let me know how much they don't appreciate it. 

Sometimes, the upset comes from feeling like they have been portrayed badly in the story. But occasionally it was because they weren't mentioned at all. Afraid of what someone might think if they step back and look at the big picture, I'm sure they imagine others thinking or saying: "Isn't that Kindall's so-and-so? Why weren't they mentioned? Where were they? Did they just let all of this happen to her and the kids?"

Let me start by answering that last part. Nobody just let anything happen to us. Our circumstances were a result of my bad choices and my pride. Other people's choices affected me, but I made the final decisions on the direction our lives went. 

In response to these characters, it would be easy for me to share one of my favorite quotes and leave it at that...

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. 

If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

~Anne Lamott (Bird By Bird)

But, as I think about all of this again in the light of grace, I realize that it is important to me that people understand that I don't write to make anyone look bad. My story doesn't need a bad guy. It already has one... and he was way worse than any mere human who made hurtful choices.

Actually, whether you write it out or not, the same is true for your story.

The only "bad guy" in your story is Satan. Everyone else is just human. When you realize that, the amount of grace you are able to extend to others (and yourself) increases exponentially.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Not just the forgiveness we have through Jesus, but also the forgiveness we share with others. As I write my story, some awful things that some people did will inevitably be included... but I hope to be able to convey that I no longer associate anger or pain with those people. 

I could continue to wallow in the hurt and pain. I could continue to be in victim mode indefinitely. I could spend my hours writing about the ways others tried to steal, kill and destroy. I could let it eat away at me. 

I could, but I won't. I choose to have life, and to have it abundantly.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. 

I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

~John 10:10

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander 

be put away from you, along with all malice. 

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

~Ephesians 4:31-32

A better promise

More than two and a half years ago, I started this blog as a way to work through my issues and hold myself accountable for all the promises I was making to God as I tried to pull my life back together.

Promise after promise is what I would make, and ultimately fail to keep, over and over. I thought the blog would help me with that, make me accountable and help me stop the seemingly unending cycle of "Promise, fail, confess, repent, promise, fail, and so on..."

Look at those phrases that I underlined. I was working so hard... and still failing... because I didn't understand how to let Him handle it. I kept trying to do it in my own strength.

On some level, I really thought that
this is what God does! 

Not only that, but I was doing it all to please Him, to appease Him, because I knew it was "the right thing." He had been blessing me, and while those blessings were completely unearned, I continued to try to earn them... or at least do what I could to make sure He didn't take them back! My lack of understanding was holding me back more than anything else. 

As I spend more time with Him, immersing myself in the Gospel of Grace, I can't help but see how much I was missing the mark in my promises, because I was focusing on my part of the struggle. Thankfully, over the last several months, that has changed for me. I am learning that He IS the good, gracious, loving God I had always wanted to serve. I am learning how to rest in Him. I am learning to let go.

I don't always get it right. I can't promise you won't pull this up and see a particularly human blog post about "poor me" any time soon, but you can be sure that if you do, it's not because my trust in Jesus or God's grace has wavered at all... only my focus.

I'm very happy to say that, looking back over the last couple of years, there is a difference in this blog...especially the last several months. I'm excited to keep writing and see how it changes more as my relationship with Him continues to grow.

Promise after promise from one of the most fallible people I know (me)... that was often hard to write about. Whether it was all completely necessary or not, God has used it all for good, and I am grateful!

Promise after promise from a God of grace... that is something I look forward to writing more about.

If God’s promise is only for those who obey the law, 

then faith is not necessary and the promise is pointless.

~Romans 4:14

He made heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them. 

He keeps every promise forever.

~Psalms 146:6

God also bound himself with an oath, so that those who received the promise 

could be perfectly sure that he would never change his mind.

~Hebrews 6:17

And now that you belong to Christ, you are the true children of Abraham. 

You are his heirs, and God’s promise to Abraham belongs to you.

~Galatians 3:29

Out with the old... 

In with the new...

Not about the chains

Around midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the other prisoners were listening. Suddenly, there was a massive earthquake, and the prison was shaken to its foundations. All the doors immediately flew open, and the chains of every prisoner fell off!

Acts 16:25-26

It was dark in the jail cell. So dark, in fact, that the guard had to call for a light to check on the prisoners. The darkness couldn't hide the filth of the jail. The smell was rank. Being underground made it easy for waste and rodents to accumulate. Even the guards didn't want to be there. Only the poorest, lowest-ranking guards were assigned to this place.

One can barely imagine, these days, what a place like that really must be like, much less how anyone who ended up there through no fault of their own could stand it for even a short time. Paul and Silas were there after being unjustly beaten and chained into the stocks. In fact, the punishment was so undeserved that the Roman government tried to let them go quietly the next day. They refused to leave that way and were actually apologized to by the officials, who then asked them again to leave the city.

What happened the night they were in jail, specifically in those two verses, says a lot about the way we should handle our own negative situations, the chains that are binding us.

Focus on Jesus

First, note that Paul and Silas were UNJUSTLY imprisoned. Yet, did they continuously call for the guards or the government officials? Did they complain about their imprisonment while locked in the stocks? Did they tell their story over and over, hoping for some cell-mates or the guard to be on their side? There is no note or mention of Paul and Silas complaining about anything. What does it say they DID do? 

"Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God..." 

They didn't focus on what was holding them down. They already had faith that He would work things out for the good of those who loved Him. So, what was left to do? Rest in His presence with prayer and praise, beginning early and continuing until the earth quaked at midnight.

Keep Singing

How long were Silas and Paul singing before the chains fell off?

"Around midnight..."

What are the chances that this pair had just started their singing when the earth began to quake? If you've spent the day in a dark, filthy prison, does midnight seem like the time of day you'd feel like striking up a song? 

When surrounded by negativity, it is easy to feel despair yourself. As night fell and hopelessness set in for many of the prisoners, Paul and Silas knew that to keep hopelessness from setting in for themselves as well, they had to fight the best way they knew how: Prayer and praise. 

What would have happened if there had been no change to the situation? If their imprisonment had gone on for days or weeks, would they have stopped praying and singing? While they spent this one night in prison, Paul actually spent a total of about 6 years of his ministry in prison. He wrote between eight and thirteen books of the New Testament, depending on who you ask, many of them from prison. I don't doubt they would have continued to sing, even if their miracle hadn't come that night.

Who is watching you?

There were others in the jail with Paul and Silas. While some of them may have been imprisoned unjustly as well, there were likely thieves, murders, and outlaws of all kinds mixed in. Yet, Paul and Silas didn't spend their time preaching to the other prisoners. They didn't order them to repent or to confess anything. They didn't tell them, "Pray with us and be saved!" They knew that nothing they said would make an impact for the other prisoners. The other prisoners merely listened as Paul and Silas dealt with their own burdens in praise and prayer... and what happened?

"the chains of every prisoner fell off"

When you focus on Jesus instead of your struggles, instead of the injustices dealt to you, instead of your chains... it not only impacts you. It impacts those who see it. Your praise could be the thing that breaks the chains of those around you.

But How?

How in the world could anyone go through what Paul and Silas went through... or what you are going through right now... and continue to pray and praise the Lord? 

Paul knew who he was in Christ, trusting Him fully. Paul also knew what understanding that would do for you as well.

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. 

Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 

~Ephesians 3:17

That trust grows as you turn your focus towards Jesus. Stop focusing on the chains and focus on Jesus. The more you know Him, the easier that becomes. You have to know that He wants only good for you.

He sees you sitting in the dark, feeling chained to the floor. He knows what you need and want. He knows how you feel. Know this... He will break the chains. And when He does it, you will feel them break, but you won't see it happen... because your eyes will be on Jesus.

I want to tell you

I have a half-dozen, half-finished posts in my drafts folder.
I have so many thoughts and revelations I want to share
about what God has done and what He wants for my life, and yours.

I want to tell you what He really thinks of you, who you are in Him.
I want to tell you how He gave us the power to move mountains.
I want to tell you how He brought both healing and forgiveness to all.
I want to tell you how He empowers us in Him to do ALL things.

I could wait a few more days, keep trying to write those things,
hoping that eventually I would "feel it" when I hit "Publish."
Or I could put together a post from my head, instead of my heart,
and hope that He uses it to inspire you anyway.

But instead I have to admit that I don't have the energy.
Life is overwhelming me today. Nothing is going as I planned.
Nothing is happening in my time. Fear is trying to take over.

Yet still I want to tell you all of those things...
because regardless of how I'm feeling today,
regardless of the battles I am fighting this moment,
I KNOW these things are true.

These are not just cliches to be tossed back and forth between hurting people.

These are Truth, the Truth that sets us free.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:13

The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. 

Romans 8:11

I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, 
and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.

John 14:12

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; 
the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5