Another vote for celibacy

He often told her he
loved her, missed her,
found her irresistible...

She had moved on,
was seeing someone else.
He wouldn't stop flirting,
stopping by, making her laugh.

To be honest, she hadn't
discouraged him enough.
"Stop" only worked temporarily.
Ignoring him only encouraged him.

Until the day he overheard her tell a friend she was very late.
Looking back, she says, pregnancy was not logically even possible
But they weren't completely innocent and there was enough doubt to scare him.

Instead of "I meant it when I said I love you. It's not ideal, but we'll get through it together."
She heard "If you are, I'll take care of my responsibility" then "I wish I could wake up and this was all a dream" then later "I feel like I want to die."

He had often told her he
loved her, missed her,
found her irresistible...

Until he realized it might be forever.


I have permission to write about this
but it doesn't really matter who they are.
This could be anybody's story.
The good news for them
is that it was a false alarm.
They are both free of each other.

Not everyone is so lucky...

Celibacy is looking better and better to me...

Under my own power

Today, when anxiety overtook me, I laid down on my bed for a few minutes and lost two hours... a friend I reached out to sent me a reminder about a verse I needed.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 ~Philippians 4:6-7

I prayed and started to feel a bit better, though not completely, but decided it was time to get back to life.

I ran to the store, came home and made the kids dinner. For myself I made a huge plate of veggies and hummus to help counter-act the last several days of not really caring much about what I was eating. (Seriously, I ate a small cake*, all by myself, a bite at a time**, over the last four days... I wasn't going to admit that, but hey, it's a blog about accountability... I kinda have to!***)

Then, realizing I also hadn't been on the bike in a week, I took off after dinner for a quick ride.

Honestly, I don't know much about the technical aspects of a mountain bike. When I started riding again several weeks ago, I hadn't been on the bike in at least three years. I know nothing about the gears on my bike. My first time back out, I played with them a little and found a setting that works okay for uphill and a setting that works better for downhill. Since then I've pretty much stuck with them. Uphill, click click, downhill, click click.

Tonight I set out, praise and worship music in my earbuds and the GPS set to record my ride. Uphill first, click click, then a downhill, click click, followed by a lot of uphill click click. Around the one mile mark I started to think maybe I should not try to break the 5mile mark today. Maybe I should turn around and go home soon. Then, just to see what would happen I started clicking through my gears.

Click click, pedal pedal pedal, nope.
Click click, pedal pedal pedal, hmm.
Click click, pedal pedal pedal... hey now, this isn't so bad...
Lets try... click click, pedal pedal pedal... this might work...

Wait, what? I just hit two miles? I think I could really do this next half mile or so before I turn around. I kept pedaling and ended up going over the three mile mark before turning around to head home because it was getting late... not because I was tired or worn out.

As I headed back home, click click click click click (mostly downhill) I was pretty proud of the distance I'd covered thanks to figuring out those gears. Then a thought occurred to me, "Hmm, how long have I been laboring up these hills on this trail under my own power when I had help right there that I wasn't using?"

I had the power of the gears right there, at my disposal, but I was comfortable with the way I had been doing things before. It wasn't that I didn't have faith the gears would help, I just wasn't even trying to use them.

That's when I heard it. "You do that a lot, you know... try to conquer life's hills under your own power, when you have Someone else right there, waiting for you to ask for help."

Really? I mean, can't I just go for a bike ride without learning a lesson? Apparently not today.
(That's not really a complaint though.)

I often think God is getting me through things, up and down life's hills. I tell others that God is getting me through, when really, I've just become so comfortable where I am with Him that I say "Yep, I've got my gears set right" and then I pedal harder. 

Today when that anxiety hit me, I asked for prayer and gave my own, "please make this go away" prayer for myself before I started focusing on those verses.

Still, I wasn't just letting Him handle it. I was trying to handle it myself. Find some comfort food, put on a warm sweater, crawl under the comforter in my bed, pray with my eyes closed and my head on the pillow... It wasn't until later, out for a ride, that I realized I had definitely been in the wrong gear.

Do I have an answer yet as to how to get myself in gear? Not really. Starting in the best place I can think to look... the instruction manual.

² Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 

³ For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.  

⁴ So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

⁵ If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. 

⁶ But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind.  

⁷ Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 

⁸ Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.

⁹ Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them.  

¹⁰ And those who are rich should boast that God has humbled them. They will fade away like a little flower in the field.  

¹¹ The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements.

¹² God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

~James 1:2-12 

Don't read these disclaimers:

*It was a quarter sheet, fluffy white cake with heaps of butter-cream frosting.

** Sometimes three or four bites at once.

***Totally worth it, just sayin'.

Connections

All my life, I’ve had a desire to connect with people. I’ve often tried to fulfill it in all the wrong ways. I still struggle with that at times. It fueled my co-dependency, driving me to cling to people who were bad for me because we had a connection. As I’ve broken ties with a lot of those people over the last couple of years, and even just held back from others, it has often left a void that I wasn’t sure how to fill.

We have three identical services at my church every weekend. Every weekend I go to at least two of them, often all three. It’s not because I need to hear the message again, not just because I LOVE our praise and worship. It’s because I love people. I want to be around them. I want to connect.

I spoke at an event for single moms on Saturday. The experience was amazing. Afterwards I was stopped again and again by women who wanted to tell me how my story touched them. Each time, I felt a connection. It wasn’t even just about being a single mom. Sometimes it was a look in their eyes or a comment they made, but when they stopped me I knew that something I had said connected with them.

When a friend recently confided in me about how someone else’s porn addiction was affecting her, my own experiences gave me the ability to understand the pain they both go through. I hope to be able to continue to encourage her in a way others can’t because of that connection.

When I talk other parents who have children with disabilities, though our children may have completely different issues, we understand each other about a lot of things. There is a connection.

This weekend I was reminded again and again that there is a purpose in everything. There is a reason that I am doing all of this, that I have gone and am going through all of these things. Over and over, as I interact with others, I am seeing the connections.

He isn’t just reminding me “You aren’t alone in this struggle.” He is saying, “Your fight in this is connecting you to these people, enabling you to touch their lives in a way you couldn’t before.”

I’ve suddenly become aware that God has put this desire for connection within me. I may have been doing it wrong, but He had a reason for making me who I am.

I can doubt. I can tell Him He’s got the wrong girl. I can say, “I’m not special...” But when I do work for Him and walk away feeling fulfilled and connected, it reminds me that all of this is for a reason. Seeing Him use me for His purposes and fulfill the desires of my heart at the same time reminds me that I was created for this.

Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you your heart’s desires.
Commit everything you do to the Lord.
Trust him, and he will help you.He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn,
and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun.
Psalms 37:4-6

If only just believing

If only just believing
was the answer to all our problems...

If only just believing
could fix a person's brokenness...

If only just believing
filled lives with joy and abundance...

But just believing doesn't do anything
to actually make life better for us
unless we are willing to change.

Change isn't just knowing
what is right and wrong,
what is good or bad.
Change means breaking
patterns, stopping habits,
climbing over obstacles,
pushing beyond what we've always known
to reach for what God wants us to have and be. 

When I succeed, it isn't just because I believed.
When I fail, it doesn't mean I don't believe enough.

God gives me the support, the tools, the direction,
the rest is up to me. Is it worth the effort? Of course.
But even with all He gives me, sometimes I still fail.

Wait. Did I say sometimes? Honestly, I fail a lot.

I'm so thankful that even when I fail,
there is another chance to try again tomorrow.
Another chance for you, another chance for me.

We can beat ourselves up for the failure
or resolve to try again, remembering He understands
that it takes so much more than just believing.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!

His mercies never cease.Great is his faithfulness;

his mercies begin afresh each morning.

Lamentations 3:22-23
 
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise; when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.
Micah 7:8

Willful resignation

Someone commented on a previous post
telling me they had been where I am
"I have been through that place - 
a place of depression and despair 
and frustration and willful resignation."

One word struck me in that comment... willful.
I knew what it meant, of course,
but I looked it up anyway.
I needed to see, in black and white,
who the cause of all of this stress has been...

Willful resignation... was I deliberately giving up 

because I wasn't getting what I wanted or wasn't 

seeing what I thought I should be seeing?

I wrote about my lack of prayer,
neglecting spending time in the Word
my general lack of enthusiasm
for anything 'right' and 'true'
as if those things are supposed to be based on feelings.

I don't know which lie got in first,
but it only takes one to give
the enemy the foothold he needs
to get the rest of them in there too.
I didn't really even try and fight to keep them out.

"I want the most important thing
in my life to be God's will."
How many times have I said that?
How many times have I written that?
But things got difficult, life got harder than usual and I caved.

Just because God isn't visibly doing
what I want Him to do at the moment
doesn't give me the right to toss my hair,
stomp the other direction, arms folded,
like a defiant teenager, shouting, "Fine. I'll do it myself!"

I do know keeping up this attitude
has really only been hurting myself.
There is a word for that... Self-sabotage?
Hmmm, that doesn't sound like me at all.
Just don't ask my friends or family or anyone who knows me.

Being deliberate and intentional
is a good thing when faith is involved...
not so much when we are talking about resistance and defiance.

I'm not saying everything is fixed
I can't say everything is fine now
But I can say that I know it is MY problem and not His.

I'm working on it.
 

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Philippians 4:6-8 NLT

 
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10 ESV

What am I fighting?

I know there is a battle going on here,
as surely as I know I'm losing it.
Then again, maybe I'm not.
It's hard to know if you
are winning or losing a battle
when you don't know which side you're on.

Over the past couple of weeks
I've said that I'm fighting,
but something tells me
if I were really fighting
the anger, pain, emptiness,
fear, depression, temptation
then I would be fighting while
in the Word and on my knees,
while diving into whatever is right,
while surrounding myself with good.

And if I'm not doing those things,
then what am I really fighting?

I hit my knees and fall asleep,
daydream, or stare into space.
My radio has played more oldies
this week than in the last six months.
I feel like I am walking in heavy fog,
as if nothing I say or do really matters
for today, tomorrow, or in the long run
even though I somehow know each step does.

My heart skips a little when I see
evidence that He is fighting for me,
but if I smile and say thanks
and then walk the other way...
what does thanks even mean?
"Thanks, but You've got the wrong girl."

Even writing this now, knowing
where I am and where I should be,
why am I not broken over these weeks?
Why do I feel like I just don't care?
Am I really fighting the world,
or just pushing Him back,
to keep Him at arm's length?
How long will He keep fighting
before He lets me have my way?

How long will it take to realize I don't really want it?

How many times can I say
Please protect me from myself
and expect Him to answer?
Maybe He has stopped already.

Not about the boy

It would be easy to assume
that my last post about anger
had something to do with the boy,
the relationship that didn't work out.
Truth is, I'm kinda over him.

I held on longer than I should,
used him to rebel in my own anger.
But the reality is, I don't like
the way he was treating me.
Imagine that. Somehow this girl got some standards.

Maybe it isn't just anger
that is my actual problem.
As I've talked to a few friends
one word keeps coming up,
maybe the right word here might be grief.

I've been a single mom for 11 years.
I was twenty-three years old,
pregnant with our third child,
twelve weeks from graduating college.
Suddenly all alone.

If I had known then that there would be
nobody there for the next 11 years,
to experience the good, the bad,
the exciting, the mundane with me,
I don't know that I would have survived.

I did survive it of course,
not without a ton of mis-steps
and mistakes and regrets.
But I did survive.

Now, eleven years later, there are some things
that I really wanted and hoped for
that are seeming less and less likely...
And I look at where I am and wonder
how Someone who loves me would let me go through all of this.

While I have forgiven them for what happened,
it is hard to understand why God would honor a relationship
that tore my marriage apart, letting them find happiness
and marriage in spite of the pain they caused,
while I continue to struggle on my own.

I'm used to people telling me they love me
and then disappointing me and making me cry.
I need to believe that God really does care about my pain.
In order to trust Him, I have to believe He is different than them.
So why does it all too often feel the same?

While texting about something totally different tonight
a friend replied, "GOD knows exactly what He's doing!"
Yes, that's what He keeps telling me too, but it doesn't make
the passing of time, the death of hopes and dreams, broken hearts,
or the whispers about what the future might never hold, hurt any less.

So I'll continue to grieve all that I feel is lost,
asking for restoration of the years the locusts have eaten,
knowing God is close to the broken hearted,
hoping He doesn't make me wander in the desert for another 29 years.

And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten 

Joel 2:25a 

The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
    He rescues them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
    he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

 

Psalm 34: 17-18