Inviting Growth Instead of Fueling Division in Difficult Conversations

 

"So I shared my thoughts and then told them, 'We don't need to argue about it. I know you are capable of growth and I'm going to give you time to do that.' "  

A friend was sharing their story of a stressful conversation* with a loved one and that's how they ended the conversation.

I could not stop thinking about how profound that was on several levels. I wrote a script of sorts that can be used in tense conversations, especially when disagreeing on something deeply personal, ethical, or political to keep from fueling division and bring a greater hope for change. It's been effective so far, and I felt it was worth sharing.  

When you know that what you are saying in that moment will not bring about immediate change, try saying something like:

"I know we don’t see this the same way right now, but because I believe you're a thoughtful and capable (kind, intelligent, loving, etc.)  person, I know that you have the capacity for growth. So, instead of arguing about it, I’m going to give you the space (time, opportunity, etc.) to consider that [insert concise point here]."

If possible, plan what you want to say ahead of time. It helps make sure you have the right words in the moment. It doesn't have to be word for word, but working to get your point across this way is helpful for more reasons than you might realize.   

1. Growth vs Change. One is universally viewed as natural and positive, while the other is often seen as forced and negative.

2. You've told them who they are. Telling someone who they are in positive terms, encourages them to be that person. It's the same way God deals with us.

3. Nobody "Wins." If and when the other person is able and ready to change their thoughts, actions, etc, they can do so without fear of hearing "I thought you said..." or "I told you so." because they know someone who knows they are capable of growth, will appreciate the natural growth without making a big deal about it or making them feel bad.  

4. Room for prayer. Not only have you professed your belief in their capacity for growth, but you have now given yourself the opportunity to continue to pray for them. Not necessarily that they will do or believe what you say, but more specifically, that God leads their growth in that area.

5. You have hope. Depending on the conversation, someone having a different belief than you can be so disheartening that you want to cut ties. 

6. Grace and faith lead the way. This is a way to use our grace and faith to lead with a positive assumption and offer space for reflection, not resistance. 

A couple of other important thoughts:

None of this is to say you should stay in an unsafe situation or without outside support in the hopes that someone will show radical growth in an area that is uncommon for people to do so without assistance. This is not way to talk someone out of abusive or addictive patterns. 

Remember that just because you have invited growth, it doesn't mean it will happen overnight - or possibly at all. This is a tool to add to your toolbox that includes discernment and prayer.

Below I'm including a video that I really appreciated about how to draw the line between being understanding of someone else's mental state and holding them accountable for their actions. 

I hope to write more personally soon.  

Much love.  

* paraphrased, but accurate

 

 

 

 

I think I'm okay...

I think I'm okay.

it has been a year
or more since I could say that
and really mean it

a year of learning
counseling, mushrooms, prayer
not in that order

I'm writing again
that's the most convincing part
that I'm me again

I guess I should not
say I think I am okay
I know that I am.

Timing Matters

We have been struggling this year. There have been times that we were no more than a few wrong words from divorce. 

We both have a responsibility for that in different ways. But that's for another day, and maybe not even for the blog, ever... we'll have to see. 

Things would get better and worse, better and worse. But the highs and lows both continued to get lower and lower. I finally said, "We're going to counseling." and got us signed up. Our first session was on our 4th anniversary and I wasn't sure by the end of the 45 minutes whether or not we were on the same page with saving it.

But we started reading the book I mentioned in the last post... Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, and by the end of the first week, things started to seem better. Still, I was nervous. But day by day things started to seem better. I could not only see him trying harder, but I could see him seeing me trying. 

Then we got the news about his job. It could have all fallen apart there. In fact, if it had happened in July or August, I'm pretty sure this would be a very different blog post. 

I have said in the past that while I do not believe God gives us negative things, I do believe that he lets us deal with the consequences of our choices... especially when we aren't asking for or looking for him to intervene. 

While I'm not thankful we were in such a negative place at all, I am thankful it got so bad that counseling was necessary. Because that's the point where we each individually said, "Hey God, we know you're there. We know you're for us. We know you've got us if we want your help... we've just kinda been doing our own thing, but we might have F'ed it up. Help!" 

The best news is, he was just waiting for us to open the door and let him in. And while I wish we had done it sooner, I am SO THANKFUL we didn't wait any longer. 

We're going to make it. There are plenty of ups and downs to come, but we're going to make it. And while I will work to be respectful about what I share without explicit permission, I can't keep our journey to myself.  

I made promise to God years ago - that if he would keep opening doors and keep making my story better, I would keep sharing it. 

I'm writing again. I'm sharing, excited to see what happens next... thankful to know that when the timing matters, God's still paying attention.

Impactful Books

As I said, I have read several books over the last year or so that have had a significant impact on me in one way or another. Some of them were written for that purpose, but several are just people sharing their own stories. 

Here are a few of the most impactful, in no particular order.

• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - Lindsay C. Gibson
  
  
• The biggest lesson for me in this one wasn't in the understanding and forgiving of my parents for doing the best they could. It was seeing myself in the pages of this book and talking to my kids and knowing that they already understood I did the best I could and they have forgiven traumas and have a lot of really good memories from childhood. I didn't ruin them.
  

• 9 Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Love and Life - Henry Cloud
  
  
• My two favorite lessons from this book were "Play the Movie" and "Don't Play Fair." You'll have to read the book to find out what those mean. It's likely one I'll listen to again in the coming months. As someone grows stronger and more mentally healthy, two things happen to lessons like the ones in this book. 1. You read it and think, "I've got that one down!" and can celebrate a success. Or 2. The lessons take on different and/or deeper meanings than you previously understood. Either way, it will be worth the re-read.
   

• Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing - Matthew Perry
  
  
• This book would be on the list even if he hadn't passed away last week.  As a long-time fan of Matthew Perry, I was shocked to learn how deep his battle with addiction was. This is one of a couple on this list where I don't remember all the details specifically, but I know this book touched me deeply.
   

• Spare - Prince Harry
   
  
• This was the first time I saw someone publicly discuss how mushrooms had made an impact on their emotional health. He credits them with making a huge impact on his PTSD. It also made me think more critically about what I see in the media when it comes to celebrities. He talked about how things were twisted and leaked to the press about one family member or another in order to draw attention away from something they didn't want talked about.
   

• I'm Glad My Mom Died - Jeanette McCurdy 
  
  
• I love Jeanette and how raw and honest she is with her fans & readers. Her vulnerability really spoke to me. I don't remember specific "lessons" per se, but I definitely wanted to include it here in this list.
   

• Internal Family Systems Therapy - Richard C Schwartz
  
  
• One therapist whose Bio noted she was trained in IFS Therapy looked at me and said, "That's a textbook. It wasn't meant for you to read. It is for counselors." I asked her if she read it. She said no. I then asked her how much she studied on IFS in school and she pulled out her own textbook and told me there were "at least 10 pages on it."
  
  I learned more from this book than from any of the 6 therapists I talked to between January and July this year.
  

• How to Keep House While Drowning - KC Davis
  
  
• When KC came across my TikTok feed, I appreciated her comments to people about how they shouldn't be judging people for how they clean or don't clean and what they can or can not accomplish. Then I saw she wrote a book and I LOVED it. She helps people change perspective on what housework and equal shares of the work should look like. She also has a lot of tips for neuro-divergent people that can help with cleaning... or life in general.
  I was at one of my lowest points when I found this book and she reminded me to be nice to current self while also being kind to my future self. She also reminded me of some of the lessons I've taught clients over the years, that I had forgotten to apply to myself.
  

• From the Streets to the Suites - Snoop Dog (Only available on Audible.)
  
  
• I love how he talks about having choices in life and that some of those choices are just dependent on how you live and the words that come out of your mouth. He talks about how he feels he spoke situations into existence, good and bad, just by rapping about them. He also talks about seeing the record label that discovered him headed some dark places and buying it and turning it around for good.
  

• Love and Respect - Dr Emerson Eggerichs
  
  
• I heard about this book years ago, but when Mike and I were struggling earlier this year, I couldn't quite recall the title. To be honest, I didn't think he'd read it with me so I didn't try too hard to remember. When we started counseling at the beginning of October, it's one of the first things our counselor told us we were going to do... read this book. It's definitely been impactful.
  

One important thing to remember here is that different books impact people in different ways. Two people can see the same story and have completely different feelings about it. 

A book can't change you on it's own. You have to be open to that change. I definitely believe the Holy Spirit plays a part in that as well... bringing what I need to read to my attention at a time when my spirit is ready to hear it.

A New Journey...

I made this post on Facebook last Wednesday:

-----
In February '22 when we bought the office building, Mike was unhappy in his job... But he had been there a long time and there were good reasons to stay.

I told a lot of people that my goal was to grow the businesses enough to work Mike out of his job. I wanted him to be able to find something he loves doing... whether that's music or something else. I even told him, "Give me two years."

Earlier this year, Pekin Insurance restructured and Mike's position changed a bit and he started liking his job again.

I was a little disappointed because I wanted him to do what he loved... but it was stability.

Even though we were sure his job was safe for a number of reasons, including his high performance numbers and the fact that he'd been there over 15 years, Mike was let go yesterday, along with many other people.

It took a day to sink in, but the timing didn't escape me... with the severance package he was offered, it will carry us through until mid-February, 2 years exactly since I made that "Give me two years." statement.

We're hanging out this morning, running an errand for Harmonize Peoria and talking... and it's so encouraging that now that it has sunk in, we're both more excited than anything.

We don't know what God's plan is, be we are both pretty sure it's going to be cool...

-----

It's been five days since he got the call and life is really good right now. It almost seems like a weight has been lifted off of him. 

There's more to share here. This part of the story isn't about being in a good place and getting this news and then still being in a good place. But I need to keep writing. A little every day. 

So I'll share some more tomorrow...

Seasons

There are a lot of blog drafts sitting in my blog account here. Most of them are about my struggle with depression over the last year. Many are just a few words long. I wish I could have made myself write them. I just wasn't in the right place. When I'm sad, words are extremely hard. 

The hysterectomy of my tumor-riddled uterus (benign) followed by a rough recovery, betrayal by two people I thought were friends (one who actively tried to turn others against me) and one other who I thought was a great employee, as well as a nationwide shortage of my ADHD medication, and regular seasonal blues all ganged up on me at once.

With barely enough strength and interest to keep my businesses afloat, I sat in our recliner day after day for months... In a few months time, I watched all 15 seasons of ER - 335 hours. I watched all of The West Wing - 154 hours. I watched countless other shows and movies... because I didn't have the emotional strength to get out of my chair.   

While I absolutely believe counseling can be useful in many situations, counseling alone didn't help me here. I learned more from delving into books on counseling and working on myself while drawing from what I already knew, than from the actual counselors I saw... and I saw several.

Eventually I read about a supplement that was supposed to help. I started it in April and have been continuing my own positive mental health journey since then... I never would have expected a combination of nootropics and psilocybin to pull me out, but it did and I am so thankful for the information I came across about microdosing and depression. 

I'm writing today for a couple of reasons... 

First, I miss writing. I want to try to keep it up. I know it's an important part of who I am and what I am supposed to do with my life. I love encouraging people through writing.

There have been many 'seasons' for me in the last four years. I am so proud of many of the journeys I've been through. Each one brought change for me, some tiny course corrections and other big leaps of faith and belief. I really wish I had written through them.

That brings me to the second reason I am writing. I believe we're on the verge of another season, another adventure in faith and I want to be able to look back someday and see it and say, "Look what God did for us." because he always does take care of us. Season after season, promise after promise.

 

 

Hello from Hawaii

I am so blessed. So many things are happening in my life that I couldn't have imagined 10 years ago.  

I'm on an 8 day hiking trip with 11 other women right now. Up before dawn because my body swears it's 9am and the sun should be shining. I'm in Hawaii though, 5 hours behind my home time zone. four or five of us have ventured out of bed and are milling around. 

I've done some writing already that I'll work on getting posted at some point, but today I just wanted to share and get something posted.

Today I will learn how to snorkel, and tonight I will swim with Manta Rays.

I am so excited to get to know the women who are on this trip with us and to experience so much of the amazing beauty that God has created here.

Here's the sun setting across from where we had our first dinner last night. 

And some of the women in the group at dinner.

Here we drank Kava Tea which is affectionately known as dirt water. Part of Hawaiian culture, it makes your mouth numb and is supposed to be relaxing. I drank all mine, but did not ask for seconds. 

My goal is to write every day on this trip. We'll see how that goes. I miss writing and sharing. I hope to make it an intentional part of this experience.