Saturday, June 8, 2013


Church tonight was great... it was one of those times when you just follow the flow of the Holy Spirit and praise the Lord for the whole service...

During a time of prayer I just felt His presence so heavily... and I kept praying He would pour out His JOY on everyone. I wanted everyone to experience the JOY of the Lord that I really feel like He has been pouring out over me...

That time ended and our Pastor had us fill out our attendance cards and prepare the offering... while he started to make an announcement that kicked my joy in the teeth.

While the offering was being collected he showed a movie trailer to a movie that looks really good. I was thinking, "I totally want to see that." Then the reason why he had been showing the trailer "clicked" with me... the church is holding a couple's night. Free child care. "If you are married or dating someone you should come out and watch this with us."

I kept ahold of my joy... even when talking to people after the service... all the way to the van. Then I cried.

There is nothing wrong with a couple's night. There is nothing wrong with anything that happened at church... I'm not trying to say that there is... I am trying to say that there is something wrong with me... when a little thing like that can pull the rug right out from under me.

When the kids aren't here, I sit at home by myself and stare at the TV or Facebook. I might do some housework or writing... but mostly couch and FB. I spend half of my holidays sitting alone... always Christmas Day after about 1pm... I spend every other weekend sitting alone.

Now the kids are gone for 10 days and I have been all geared up for some free time... and yet here I sit on the couch crying because I'm so f-ing tired of doing everything alone... more accurately, I'm tired of doing nothing alone.

I am so glad that God has changed me so that I no longer go out and look for ways to fill the hurt when I feel like this... but I look forward to the day when it doesn't hurt anymore.

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