I am committed to my promise not to date unless the person I am dating can handle the commitment that I have made to putting off a sex until marriage... and taking the steps before that to keep sex from being too big of a temptation to handle... I don't take promises made to God lightly.
Still, I really miss being in a relationship. I miss holding hands. I miss late night phone calls about what things happened during the day. I miss an arm around me while we watch a movie on the couch. I miss kissing... and other stuff.
So, of course, I'm still human... I still notice good looking guys. Sometimes I see them at church, other times out in public and I wonder what his relationship with God is like (Yes, I seriously wonder that about every man I see). One may smile at me. One may catch my eye across the room. Another gives me a friendly hug when he sees me. In my mind I instantly think, "Is it him?"
If my quest is to be Christ-like, then I should be thinking about what Jesus himself did on earth and following that example. I'm sure in big ways we are all good at that... I haven't killed anyone lately... you? In the more subtle ways though, I know I am not.
When Jesus was being tempted by Satan, he had already been fasting for 40 days and nights. Satan told Jesus to turn the stones into bread if He was the Son of God.
Jesus could have said, "Yes, I am hungry. Yes, I could turn them into bread. Yes, that would satisfy my hunger at the moment, but No... I better not. It is written..." and gone on with what He was is quoted as saying in the Bible.
He doesn't though. He starts right in at "It is written..." and tells Satan where He stands and that nobody is going to trick Him because He knows the Word of the Lord. He didn't even entertain the thought of doing what He knew he shouldn't. He just went straight for the Word.
I have been fasting... for way more than 40 days too... But when I feel temptation rising? I entertain the thought. Does that guy know how good he smelled when he helped me that one day? Does this one wonder what it would be like to kiss me the way I wonder that about him? If I ever dated that guy, would we stick to my promise or would he try to convince me to forget about it... and would I?
Usually I come to the conclusion that whoever he is, he isn't interested in a woman who has four kids... and then I am sad, and lonely, and depressed, and I start to wonder if I am pretty enough or smart enough or too smart...
It's amazing how one thought leads to another like that. When I start letting my mind rest on thoughts that I shouldn't be entertaining AT ALL, I end up sad and depressed and writing in this blog.
I guess a good start would be for me to focus on the Word.
For now I am going to sleep. In my bed. All alone. Probably forever. :-/
Oh Lord I hope that is not true... because I don't think I could take forever.
But I also don't want to "tap out" now... when there is so much to be won and lost.