Last week I typed this:
It's okay not to be okay sometimes
That's what I keep hearing.
It's a sure sign a lot of us aren't okay,
when everyone is telling everyone else
for the sake of reminding themselves.
It was supposed to be the beginning of something encouraging. But I was struggling, feeling irrelevant and useless. I didn't have anything encouraging to say.
Over the last couple weeks those feelings could be temporarily pushed aside for the sake of a Zoom meeting, or coming up with another way to try to keep business going in the current state of things, or in those rare moments when I actually was able to help a customer. I could get past them a little at a time.
There is no doubt I'm an extrovert, a super-shy-often-awkward extrovert, but I love people none-the-less. I need people. Not having people is seriously taking a toll on me.
My God-given gift of creativity often helps me find ways to fix things. It's why I'm an entrepreneur... because thinking outside the box is what I do.
The problem is I can't fix anything right now. I'm not even sure what is broken. I don't know whether to fight for our freedoms or tell people to stop being stupid and stay home... and I don't want to debate it because I can debate either side and win.
Last week the announcement that school was cancelled crushed me, and the tears started. Sometimes I could get them to stop. I'd temporarily lose myself in some binge-worthy show or get involved in a project... but every time someone said school or senior or unfair or anything that made me think of how unfair this all is, they would start up again.
It didn’t take me long to realize I wasn’t just crying about what my Senior was missing out on... I am grieving the loss of all those last moments we were going to have before he leaves for college. I am grieving the uncertainty of everything that is coming.
Watching the governor speak every day at 2:30 feels a lot like watching the news reporters in the weeks after 9/11, talking about what is happening today... and knowing our lives won't ever be the same again in a million tiny ways. Someday we'll watch a TV show and something will seem weird to us and we'll say, "Oh, that was recorded before Covid-19. People used to do that back then." the way we do now when someone meets their love at the airplane gate on an old movie we watch today.
This is a good time to remind everyone, myself included, that what we focus on grows. It's an undisputable fact... so I will continue to try to focus on the good in the hopes that those positives will outshine my fears, and forgive myself when I can't.
I do still have hope in all of this. Hope that God will use things meant for evil and turn them into something good. I also know that in those moments when my heart is broken over a situation, He's here with me.
It's not a particularly positive post, but it is real... and some day I will want to look back and remember how I really felt. Maybe I'll share it with my grandkids... because as much as I fear change, I do know life will go on and in spite of possible fears and disappointments, there are a lot of joys left for all of us.
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. ~ Gen 50:20
~ Psalm 34:18