Saturday, March 7, 2015


I've fought posting this for awhile because I don't want this to come across as a "poor me" post. I am realizing though, that I can't be the only one struggling with similar things. I don't have an answer yet, but maybe part of the reason I'm still struggling is that I haven't written about it... God works like that with me sometimes.

Loneliness has plagued me
for several months now.
No longer able to "fix" the feeling
with my old stand-by salves of
drunkenness and/or sex,
I'm often at a loss.
Even if those were something
God would be okay with (He's not)
they don't fill the needs I have anymore.

It is of little comfort to know
that I'm not the only one.
It is of little comfort to know
that King David was lonely too. (Psalms 25:25-16)

God gave me a huge revelation recently
about my struggle for self-worth.
And while loneliness no longer represents
my lack of worth to me, it is still... lonely.
I don't fit in anywhere at my church.
I have lots of church friends,
but somehow I've lost my church family.
I'm doing church with people,
but not doing life with them.

A few friends have moved on,
my small group disbanded,
I let go of a few of those who
were not healthy for me to keep,
and I'm struggling to get past
the surface with new friends.

Lately everything feels like salt
being rubbed into an open wound.
People gather after every service
making plans to go here or there.
Whether I have my kids or not,
I usually end up going home.
The offer to help someone move
turned down, they "had enough help."
Several people I have tried to connect with
got together and formed a group
I'm not invited to... it's not their fault,
I don't "fit" in that group, and that's okay.
But it doesn't make me feel better
about where I am right now.

God has shown me during this time
how the old me would have settled
for a certain kind of attention from a few,
attention that I can still get if I want.
But that kind of attention, from men who
can't be bothered to have a real conversation
with me beyond a few flirty texts here and there,
has become increasingly unsettling.

I know the devil is using this to try to get a hold on me.
A few nights ago, it hit me really hard.
I opened my Bible and my eyes fell
on a verse in Ecclesiastes, "The dead
are better off than the living."
Really, God? Not the boost I needed.
Then I found another verse about
two people being better than one. Hmm, also not helpful.
After that I gave up, asleep by 9 that night.

I know God can use anything for good,
and He must already have a plan
for this time that I am in right now,
but I hope it ends soon, because it sucks.

The faithful love of the Lord never ends!
    His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness;
    his mercies begin afresh each morning.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance;
    therefore, I will hope in him!”
~Lamentations 3:22-24

And we know that God causes everything 
to work together for the good of those who love God 
and are called according to his purpose for them.
~Romans 8:28

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, 
but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, 
against mighty powers in this dark world, and against 
evil spirits in the heavenly places.
~Ephesians 6:12

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