Trying to make sense of all of the noise that I need to process to continue to move on and grow into the person that I am supposed to be is proving to be even more difficult than I expected.
Over the years, I've heard dissonant lessons from all sorts of different places. We all do. Each lesson is a string of notes that embeds and repeats itself in us. These lessons about my self-worth, about my own and other people's trust-worthiness, about motives, morals, lies, and so many other things have changed the chords I hear and the notes I pay attention to as I've strained to listen for the right composition.
It's not just about looking to the wrong sources for answers. Even people I know and respect throw in some sour notes at times. I want to ask them how what they just said or did meshes with what I heard from them just the day before... but I don't. Why? I'm afraid I'm wrong... maybe my ear isn't tuned to the right key. I don't know yet.
I have been clear that I am attempting to change my life's song... and in seeking out and relying on healthy friendships, reading about integrity and boundaries, spending time with God, and trying to listen for the right music, I have learned so much this year. The problem is that most of the things that I have learned are either partially or wholly inconsistent, not only with what I thought to be true in the past, but also what seems to be true right now... probably because I haven't quite perfected the filters I am supposed to be using to hear that music.
I'm not sure which knobs I am supposed to change on my own soundboard. I'm using a mix of the old settings and the new... never quite sure what I am hearing or what I am supposed to be listening for. I have very little idea about who or what to turn up or down or even turn off completely.
I was challenged recently to ask God to show me what is real.
I don't know if it's even possible to really know what is real. If that kind of clarity were possible, life would be much easier. Knowing people's real intentions, real trustworthiness, knowing my own... wouldn't that make all of my decisions easier... too easy?
Asking God for a reality check is risky... I never know how He is going to present it. I'm a little afraid it won't be a fun lesson. But, having the ability to clearly decipher the calming melody and His intentional harmonies from all of the dissonant noise that leaves me feeling confused and frustrated has to be better than my current method of picking notes from the noise at random... and trying to make them work together.
I caught myself switching from the metaphor of music to something more visual as I was typing and had to go back and fix a couple of sentences. If there is one thing I have learned from all of this, it is that I can't walk by sight. I have to be listening for the direction that I need...